A Journey In Black and Indian Love

A Peek inside the marriage of an African American woman and her East Indian spouse

She’s Almost Here!! August 8, 2012

Hi Blindies!
Let me start this blog with a big “thank-you” to each of you who sent us well wishes on our pregnancy. We found out we will be having a girl, news that thrilled “M.” Throughout the pregnancy, he has told me it would be a girl. In fact, he was so confident in his prediction that he refused to pick out a boy’s name. Originally, he said he wanted the baby’s sex to be a surprise but as excitement built once I knew, he caved in and wanted to know.
We’ve had quite a number of people who asked if he was disappointed we were having a girl thanks in part to the idea that all Indians prefer male children. While that may be true in some parts of India, it’s not true for Kerala. It’s a matriarchal society and as my sister-in-law said “girls are special.” At first I was slightly annoyed that people would ask such a brazen question but then I began to look at it from a different angle. I realized that part of me felt relief that they asked as opposed to continuing to carry around incorrect assumptions about what was “normal” in Indian culture and what was not. How else are people supposed to learn? The whole purpose of my starting this blog was to give a glimpse of what life is really like for mixed culture relationships like ours. We don’t subscribe to be anything but happy. Isn’t that what this is all about?
Generally, in Keralan culture babies are named only after the baby arrives and there is a baby naming ceremony. I guess you long time blog readers know that we don’t do anything the typical way. We’ve already got a name picked out for her (some blog readers know it) but for the rest of you, we’ll keep it a surprise.
In the coming months I’m sure you’ll probably be hearing from me first-hand about parenting issues in a multi-cultural relationship. Some of the things “M” said he didn’t have a preference on, he suddenly does. Something tells me this little girl is going to have him wrapped around her fingers. Since this is his first baby, I think he’s in an “ignorance is bliss” phase right now. He has no idea what he’s in for in the way of less sleep, crabby babies, toddler tantrums, poopy diapers etc. It’s kind of cute but having already been a parent of a newborn before, it’s also scary. After seeing his reaction to another Indian student winning the National Spelling Bee, I have a feeling he’s going to be a bit of a tiger dad (eek!) I’ll keep you all posted.
On another note, I’m excited to say we had our first Blindian Love meet-up last month. Five of the members made their way down to the Deep South to help “M” and I celebrate our baby’s impending birth. We originally were supposed to have a traditional Keralan ceremony, however, things fell through and Amma (“M”’s mother) could not come after the auspicious date was already chosen. We realized if she came on the auspicious date, then she wouldn’t be here to spend time with the baby. God always has a way of working things out and instead we had a “Blindian” celebration with soul food, Indian music, Henna tattoos, a sari tying contest and baby charades. Big thanks to Rashida, Maria, Renee, Jilliane, and Stephanie for traveling so far and surrounding us with so much love and support. “M” and I can never thank you enough.
On another note, the Facebook group is growing by leaps and bounds. We now have over 100 members in Blindian Love and about 40 or so members on the couple’s side. Couples in committed and serious long-term relationships are eligible to join Blindian Love Couples after posting for a while in the general group. We’re a no drama zone that has conversations on everything from religion to eating with hands and everything in between. If you haven’t had an opportunity to stop by the Facebook group, I would encourage you to do so. I’ve met some of the most awesome people through it.
In the meantime, I wish you all the best on your journeys lovelies.

 

35 Responses to “She’s Almost Here!!”

  1. Arielle Says:

    A little girl you say?oh yeah, I have the strangest feeling that M is going to spoil her rotten. Most girls seems to be close to their fathers for some reason as boys seem to be that way to their moms.

    I admit, I did wonder how your husband would react to a girl baby.I know that he’ll love the child no matter what sex it is,but being from another country, I thought that he probably would want his first born to be a boy,I guess because I have dated or came across guys from other countries who prayed for their first one to be one. I’m glad that I’m being educated about regions of India.I was always under the impression that the whole country thought like that. Pardon my ignorance.I hope that M will never be a tiger dad to you daughter.Want to drive a girl nuts just do that. When it comes to being smart, he has nothing to worry about.Both of you are smart,booksense and commonsense,which will carry her a long way.

    How does your son feel now that he’s about to live in the house with 2 sisters? If he ever marries he’ll have a great education on how to deal with womenfolk.Again,congrats to the impending birth of your daughter and your group.Sounds like you guys had tons of fun.

    • Blindianlove Says:

      Arielle, thanks for your honesty in wondering how M would react to having a girl. It’s an honest reaction because what we’ve been taught by media is that most third world countries prefer girls. I’m so glad that’s not true… because as we all know “Girls Rock!!” I think my son will adapt. I’m hoping the babies presence will make him understand his role in the home as a young man a bit more. Right now he’s been harassing the socks off of his sister. However, I have a feeling that the new little Ms. A is going is going to put the whole house in check.

  2. Toni Says:

    Congratulations. I know you both will be wonderful. loving parents to the new baby girl.

  3. Monique Says:

    Congrats! What exciting news!

  4. Amal Says:

    I just happened on your blog and as a father of a daughter and son, I wish you all the very best in the coming months and years !! I’m of indian origin and my wife is chinese, I come from an African country ( mauritius) and live in another one ( Madagascar) so I guess I can claim some knowledge about multi-cultural relationships: all my blessings to both of you and your coming baby girl ! I’m sure she’ll be rotten spoiled by her dad !! Amal, from Antananarivo

    • Alisa Says:

      Thank you so much for your kind comments. Little Maya is here and you’re right, she’s already spoiled rotten by dad. As I type this, he’s holding her close in his arms. I love the look of amazement he has on his face everyday. It’s like he can’t believe she’s his.

  5. ericka Says:

    Well no matter what your baby be a lil girl or girl u should love it and care for the child raise the child no matter what sex it is god made us as humans females and males to love each other as one and to love our children

  6. alex Says:

    My name is Alex and I dated an Indian girl back in college. It was only for my last year and she had to go back to India. But we had an incredible time and it got really emotional when she had to leave. I felt really strong for her, in fact I loved her. But at times she hinted that our relationship wouldnt be accepted back in her home country. I was wondering as a black man how do I get over this social stigma when it comes to dating Indian woman. I try not to have preferences when dating but I love Indian women.

    • Hi Alex,

      Interracial relationships are challenging for girls who have not yet been able to break free from cultural boundaries. Don’t take it personally because it’s not about you, this is something she has to do for herself. You’re setting yourself up for a heartbreak by falling in love with someone who will not prioritize the relationship over family or cultural obligations. I am happily married to an American man because I made a conscious choice to follow my heart and create the life I wanted. Interracial relationships require a certain level of maturity and strength to endure criticism. I would advise you to take caution before entering into a serious relationship with a girl who is not ready to step out of her comfort zone.

  7. Congratulations, a little princess how sweet! Cute name as well. But I think the girl/boy thing is part individual preference. Just enjoy the baby moments,they grow up so fast. Soo,is she going to be bilingual from the start or learning it later or when she decides,if you dont mind? Do the older children learn malayalam as well or rather not? I am very curious sorry.

    • Alisa Says:

      Thank you! She’s starting to be bilingual from the start. She’s learned her first Malayalam word already and we plan on implementing more soon.The older children only know a little Hindi which is what Maya will probably wind up knowing more of because it’s more useful than malayalam.

      • Oh wow.thanks for answering.yeah i suspect its easier to learn young, it just seems such a hard to learn language as an adult. :( hindi does seem to be more widespread. Wish you sucess and lots of joy :)

  8. Prithika Says:

    Congratulations!
    She and the whole family sounds adorable.

  9. indiangirl Says:

    Congratulations! Me & my husband had our second “Blindian” little girl last year! We’re now a happy family of four w/ 2 little girls. I can’t imagine that your husband would be anything but overjoyed at having a baby girl! I liked that you are incorporating some traditional Indian traditions w/ your own traditions. Bilingual from the start is the way to go. That’s one thing I wish we had done, but maybe not as practical since my language is such an obscure Indian dialect. Blessings for your little Maya, your older children, & your whole family!!

  10. sara Says:

    First off Congratulations on your new born baby! I stumbled upon your blog while doing a Google search for advice on bi-racial relationships. I am from Trinidad (Indian descent) and met the love of my life while I was in college. We started dating for a few months and things started to get serious as we connected on a level that nobody has ever given me before. At that moment, I knew I was in love. We could talk for hours about anything and everything and when we saw each other the chemistry was just automatic. We talked about possible starting a life together after I graduated, but after I told my parents about him they disapproved, because he is Black (Jamaican). I never knew how cruel they could be until that day. They seem to be so wrapped up in what other people/family members would think of them and how much of an embarrassment it would be on the family if i dated a black man. My family is not religious, but they would rather me date a white man or any other race as long as hes not black. Since i was still living at home and going to school, i was still dependent on my parents and i don’t want to loose them so i made the biggest mistake of my life and broke up with my man. I haven’t spoke to him in 3 years, but i recently got in touch with him and he still feels the same way he did about me 3 years ago. I love him and i’m afraid that my family will disown me for getting back with him, but nobody in this world makes me feel the way he does when i’m with him. What should I do?

  11. Mary Says:

    Hi. I happened upon your blog today and I couldn’t help but respond. First of all, Congratulations. As much as it is hard work, I can only imagine how thrilled you must be as you celebrate those moments with Maya: from big steps to first words. It also gave me great pleasure to read about your family, trips, experiences, etc. Words so beautifully knit, they left me smiling and wishing you the very best in everything you do. My fiance of 6 years and I are, as you put it, a Blindian couple: he’s Haitian and I’m South-Indian more-specifically Keralite. Much of the stuff you’ve mentioned in your blogs from living in secret to hatred/prejudice and inappropriate comments are a part of our experiences. That being said, there’s a ray of hope when I chance upon one more person who understands both the struggle and the joy of being an interracial couple.

  12. Lyn Says:

    It´s kind of funny since your family kinda represents my future and my past. My first love was African American and I later married a West African. So I know a little about the black community in the States. My future husband is Indian and he is a Voice Over just like you.
    I think the problem with the perception that all Indians want male children is that often we look at culture as a whole instead of focussing on the individual in front of us. And while culturally boys are more appreciated in India and therefore by many Indians there are always exception. Just like ´M´ and the majority of Keralites are.
    I wish you and your family all the best and hope to read more from you, ´M´ and your kids once Maya (beautiful name by the way) leaves you some time. Congratz to the lil´ one!

    • Alisa Says:

      Lyn
      How cool is that? If your guy every wants to do some cross promotion on the VO end, let me know. Thanks so much for reaching out to me. My very best to you and your fiance.

      • Too good to be true? Says:

        I love this blog. I recently found a guy from Sri Lanka. Lol I didn’t even know where that is. So I Googled black and Sri Lankans and nothing came up. He is perfect so far he is beautiful and sweet. I have recently relapsed from an drinking addiction and he has been there through my withdrawls supporting me. Most guys leave when they find out but not him. He has never date a black woman and I’ve never dated out of my race but I’m glad I’m thinking outside of the box. Thanks for sharing..

      • ann14 Says:

        Continued good luck to you and Mr. Sri Lanka.

      • Lyn Says:

        With some delay…I will let him know. He´s planning to have a website for aaages now and once it´s up and running I´ll send you the link so you can decide on your own if he´s worth it:)

        @Too good to be true
        As the ex of someone with an addiction I can relate to your partner and how difficult being there can be sometimes. Kudos to him to stick it out. All the best for you on your way to recovery and for you two in your relationship!

  13. Lapria Says:

    I came across your blog today and have read it from being to end. I love reading about your experience of being married to an Indian man. Congrats on your baby girl :)

  14. 112233 Says:

    Hi!

    This is such an interesting blog. My family is of Kerala origin and I was doing some research on mixed marriages when I came across your blog. Can I just ask you how your families became so accommodating? Most of my family is usually the typical malayalee, narrow minded, chauvinistic and orthodox for them to accept and respect any other community and culture except their own, even other Indians from different states (except for some family members). However their thinking is changing a bit since one cousin of mine married a non mallu who is biracial himself (Thai and Irish). It was hell for her when trying to get her parents to accept it since they wanted the traditional route and after observing a failed arranged marriage (which I prefer nto to talk about), but now both her parents are extremely happy to welcome their “son” into the family. They are married a long time now and are blessed with 3 little ones. My brother has an Italian girlfriend, and one of my dad’s cousin’s daughter married a black as well, but he’s from Ghana, so he’s not African American. They have 2 very cute kids.A distant family friend’s daughter married a Filipino. Also, a former tenant who used live with me in the apartment I’m staying in before she moved, was born and bred in Kerala, and she was living at the apartment with her boyfriend, who is a Kannadigan from Bangalore (Indian who originates from the state of Karnataka if you don’t know). They dated for 6 years and lived together for 2 years now, and both their families are very happy with the arrangement. Her boyfriend even went to Kerala and stayed at her house, and her parents like him alot (I’d probably be in hell for doing that).Initially I was a bit surprised to hear malayalees marrying outside their community and learned a while back it’s quite normal now and common to see, even in Kerala. I think it’s the old generation thinking that causes the complications, and I admit some of the younger ones also have that thinking depending how “brainwashed” they are to convey to these “societal rules”,but I think most do not care about all these rules you have to follow and about this caste race etc and now are doing whatever they feel is right for them even though it’s not accepted in the community. Personally I prefer to marry a mallu who was born and bred abroad like me, but I am not against marrying someone from another culture if our personalities are compatible and we think alike open and respect everyone and love each other no matter what. I think that’s the vital thing in a marriage, not so much the person. I do give props to those who marry people from a different background only because your horizons are much more expanded. And no, the culture won’t be ruined if you don’t allow it, instead it gives an additional culture to learn about and expand your knowledge where you get to see a unique perspective that teaches you that everyone is equal. I’m sure you’re enjoying Delhi (I envy you too, never been there lol) and your kids get to enjoy the diversity of many cultures-Malayalee, North Indian and American! I follow a mix of malayalee and american since I’m a malayalee-american lol. Probably your kids will be very well versed/or at least understand Hindi Malayalam and English (learn Hindi + English in Delhi and your husband and in-laws will speak to them in Malayalam I’m sure.). I think it’s unique to be a blend of many cultures :). Great blog though! Will follow from time to time :)

    • Alisa Says:

      Thanks so much for your comments and I’m glad to see that you’re seeing the change. You asked how are families were so accommodating. My family (specifically my mother) is not as welcoming as M’s mom. My mother is polite enough to him but after seven years of marriage they still don’t have a relationship past hello. As far as M’s family…. I realize how blessed we are in having them being accepting of us. It makes things slightly easier. Stay in touch!

      • lisa Says:

        I am so surprised your Mom is having issues…that is odd for most bw. We are usually welcoming.
        I want to ask. But, obviously I shouldn’t. I hope your family is doing well and Happy New Year.

      • Alisa Says:

        lisa, She’s gotten better especially recently…..there’s a lot behind why that I’ll blog about later. However, I don’t necessarily find it to be too odd that AA mom’s aren’t always accepting. Right off I know of at least three other couples facing the animosity from the AA side. We are more prejudiced against other races and cultures than many in our community want to admit. With that being said, while our parents may be as vocal as some non-accepting Indian parents, I think the difference is when we stand our ground to be with our man, they realize not much can be done short of not talking to us. You’re more than welcome to ask anything you’d like. If I find it too intrusive, I’ll let you know. :-)

  15. ann14 Says:

    I hope you and yours are doing well?

  16. a. Says:

    your blog is so cool! true love knows no bounds!


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