I recently made a post titled “Can’t We All Just Get Along?” The post got the attention of Tom, a white male married to an Asian woman. I was excited because Tom was not only my first male poster, but he also brought a fresh perspective to IR’s.
Today Tom made this comment “I know the people who say stick to your own kind are probably only stating it because they feel it will protect you from being hurt or rejected.”
Or… they say “stick to your own kind” because that is what they have always done; the reason being that they, themselves, are either too frightened or small-minded to venture out into the wider world.
People often subconsciously transfer their own fears and stigma onto others.” (the rest of his comment can be read in the original blog ).
When I read Tom’s words, it was like a light bulb went on. He worded my thoughts so accurately. Tom is very correct about how people subconsciously transfer their own fears and stigma onto others and how fear keeps people from venturing out. It’s like a social mania.
Unfortunately, society has screwed so many of us up. We seek validation and approval from others without realizing how detrimental it can be to us. It’s like we’re puppets in a puppet show being run by the man behind the curtain. How many times have we done something in our lives, not because we wanted to but because we didn’t want to face the retribution or harsh reaction from others if we went against the norm? This is why some people react so harshly to intercultural and interracial relationships. It goes against what others have told them should happen and THAT makes them uncomfortable.
Black women have so much baggage laid upon us about dating outside the race. The way some people act, you would think we were committing cultural genocide. I honestly think that some Indians feel the same way…that their sons or daughters being involved with someone of a different religion, caste or creed somehow dilutes their heritage. They don’t look at it as a new dimension or facet being added.
M and I are thinking about having a baby. We talk about it at least twice a week. M has no blood children and I am thankful he loves my twins as his own. I hesitate to have another child because 1) my twins are 8 now and going back to having an infant I feel would be difficult 2) my twins are a result of fertility drug treatments and even though they have been great kids, I am fearful of having another set of twins and 3) we travel a great deal and traveling with an infant is a whole new ballgame. I know these are probably selfish issues but I brought this subject up to say this. If we do decide to have a child, we know we will raise it to embrace both sides of their culture. There’s no one culture superior to the other (contrary to many twisted beliefs).
Tom’s comment made me realize that some people hide their racism behind the cloak of “love.” But if they really loved you, it wouldn’t matter who you were with and why as long as you are happy and treated with respect. Until the next blog…
Well thank you B, I feel honoured 🙂
Your final paragraph sums it up beautifully. Real love is unconditional.
I think it’s high time people realized that interracial relationships aren’t a fad or something exotic. It’s two people who’ve found out that they work well together, regardless of whether they look the same on the outside.
That’s why we started our company, ?RU, to make that statement in style.
Thanks for posting this.
Guuuurl! I am SO glad I found your post here today…I am also an african american,living in Texas with 5 children,4 boys and 1 girl.My husband is Punjabi,sikh.We’ve been married for 7 and a half years. And up to this point,I don’t have any friends that have an interacial relations such as mine. The sad news for me though is that my husband Jesse is going to be deported back to India in May. Long story,but on the flip side,we are working with an attorney to get him back on us soil in about 6 months. I’ve actually have had a few hard stares over the years from the south asian females, more than the males. But, Jesse’s family has been accepting of me from the get go, THANK GOD! Again…I am so delighted to share a connection with you…I myself have never been to India…and seriously have even thought of going there now , because of our situation…actually your story of wanting to return has inspired me…but you know , as they say……Ain’t no place like America…Don’t get me wrong though, I did my schooling in england(high school days) and I’ve been to Amsterdam,and Switzerland..but that’s been soo many moons ago. At the moment, I feel that I will have to stay home to fight Jesse’s case to bring him home. I also have an online business,that can be run virtually world wide. I am a spiritual intuitive life coach! LOL!(yeah, I do psychic readings…and yeah, I saw this coming)anyway don’t want to ramble…I look forward to more of your posts,and would love to comment more about my own experiences.Peace & Light,
Hi! I’m glad you found me too. I am, however, saddened to hear about your husband. I’m sure things will work out for you in one way or another. I’m one of those people who believes that where we are in life and the experiences we go through is where God wants us to be at the moment. I do hope you all are able to resolve the situation in a manner that is satifactory to both of you. I am definitely interested in hearing more about your situation as well. I have lots of questions. Talk to you soon!
Great blog by the way. Keep it going.
I’m back again!!
I think I have a different perspective only because I grew up in a multicultural/multiracial family. I never knew it was “different” until I got older and other kids made comments. By then, it was too late.
I agree that fear is what drives a lot of the anger towards intercultural relationships. Actually, fear of unknown things is what drives a lot of anger, period.
Even though I respect people’s view’s about the subject, it’s just sad how some people will go mentally insane over this topic.
My 10 year old nephew asked me are the Japanese prejudiced.( he’s curious about their culture) In the back of mind, I felt bad in teaching him about the concept of race, but I just wanted him to learn about the real world before he asked the “why”. I told him that like in all races , you have your bad/good-hearted Japanese. Now when I look back, I’m glad that I told him that. He has a racist dad( who my sister is going to divorce) and he teaches them a bunch of garbage about Non-Blacks and even well to do Blacks.
To teach Children about racial prejudice of any kind is sad. As a kid I remembered having White and Asian Friends because of the environment I lived in. Before I was taught anything about race/racial prejudice, literally, I did not view people by their racial backgrounds because I did not understand the concept of race. Far as I was concerned, my very light complexioned, wavy haired , hazel eyes cousin was white because of her physical appearance. Eventually my parents mom, taught my siblings and I about the it. Just imagine what would have happened , if people would just leave race out of it.
I also think it’s crazy for people to get riled up about interracial relationships. I just get tired people no matter what racial background they come from say ” I don’t like that person because he’s Black” or on the other side of the coin ” “The White man wronged us” and so on…” All of it get’s soooo old and worn out. There are interracial people in my family( my sister is half-Vietnamese). I have no problem with who they are and accept them to the fullest. I don’t live my life centered around one person or let the past dictate who I a’m as a person. I judge people by their character. If they don’t like me( for what ever reason) that’s ok. I’ll just move on the next person and if they like me that’s good also. Even though the world we dictate people’s backgrounds to define them, I do my best to see people as people. That is they same way I would see my siblings mates and the way my folks would see mine.
Truthfully speaking, an Indian man with a black woman and that with kids, it quite rare, as Indian men are far more close minded than Indian women about marrying inter-racially. But as far as Tom’s comments about marrying or getting involved with someone outside the Indian culture, I think part of it is true. Indians are afraid of going out of their culture, parents in fear of what will happen to the Indian culture with their grandkids and future pedigree; and those children who are Indian but grew up in the US afraid of hurting their parents and family. But after seeing couples of different races marrying Indians, I can only conclude, that the whites are the ones which are not shunned by Indians as the blacks. And I believe its because the blacks are not even close in status, behavior, appearances, education, family values, morals and culture. In fact the only thing that is somewhat close, but still not even, is the color of our skin, but even then, there is no comparison. So for Indians even white are more acceptable, because of skin color, which is preferred over the black look, which is looked down upon. I know personally for me, I wouldn’t want to have kids with big noses, lips and kinky hair, its just not attractive. This is how an Indian, and I happen to be an Indian born and raised American, thinks!
Your comment is interesting to say the least. I don’t know if you saw the pictures of my children before I opted to remove them , however, NEITHER of my children has big noses, lips or kinky hair. WHen I read posts like yours I’m am so thankful for the Indian men who were intelligent enough to break the mold of unfounded negativity in order to experience true love with someone that doesn’t look or sound like them. By the way, You are raised in American but have you been to India? The last time I looked, which was in March, there are much more instances of big noses and lips and yes Indians have Kinky hair too. ..so really what’s your point?
If you represent the typical Indian attitude, I thank God my husband was not typical. Having traveled through India and having lived there, I can tell you that you apparently haven’t really looked at other Indians. There are plenty with “big noses, lips and kinky hair.” Your attitude is exactly why the stains of British Colonialism in India remain so extensively throughout India. The twisted idea that lighter is better or straight hair is better is sad. I feel sorry for you. I have a feeling that your prejudices will keep you from experiencing some beautiful things in life.
hi i happened to chance upon your blog. kudos to your inter-racial relationship!its great to know there are more ‘blindian’ couples out there. im an indian woman about to be married to the love of my life, a black man. my mother does not accept our relationship. she insists that any black man is untrustworthy simply because he’s black. my mother has tried all sorts of tricks, emotional blackmailing, and even told my man to go to hell and cussed him out sayin he’ll die a horrible death! as crazy as that sounds, i also find it comical, i cant even take her seriously when she’s not making any sense! nothing she does will change anything however. she’s being bitter and difficult and says i’ll end up on the streets if i trust a ‘negro’. all this negativity stems from her racist attitude. its rather unfortunate. there’s a huge strain in my relationship with my mother because of who i am choosing to spend the rest of my life with.i love her but i cant let her run my life. i can just hope that it gets better with time. i cant allow her close-mindedness to keep me from pursuing my happiness! on the bright side,well at least my dad, brothers n other relatives are completely cool with it. i dun see how she can be the only one hatin to this effect!
I’m glad you stumbled upon the blog! Congratulations on your engagement and your very level headed attitude toward your mother. I’m sure she’s very scared right now. As parents, we envision certain kinds of lives for ourselves and our children. When something totally different happens, it throws some people off into a swirl of fear. Perhaps only what she knows about black men is the negative, stereotypical stuff that seems to pervade the media. Hopefully, once you are married she will see how happy you are and release some of her fears. Good luck.
People are being selfish and not thinking about the future. on the top of that we believe that just because we are in Love we have the right to do what we want.
The truth is that we don’t know what consequences this mixed race manifest will have for America, and many of us don’t even care…because we all live in a Jungle not a society..
People involved in those Rebel relationships are the kind of people who don’t care what the parents will say, they don’t care what the community will say and they don’t care what the future will be… In their eyes it’s all about them.. No one else exists, only them ..
But when they need something they go back to the people they ignored and ask for assistance ….
America is just fine, don’t fix something that’s not broken yet…
The white and black people living in this country have proven themselves more than once.
Lets see what these Brown people will do, as far as I can tell if Bill Gates was Brown he would never be the genius he is today and if Kobe Bryant was Brown he was never gonna be the great basketball player he is today ….
In other words this Brown reality better work otherwise all the country is going to pay the price,
I’ve gotten to a point where comments like these don’t even make me blink too much. We’re all entitled to our opinions and you’ve given yours. Thank you.