M and I have been blessed that the aspects of our relationship which could have been an issue for us have worked out. Much of this is due in part to how we chose to handle things that others would see as obstacles. For example, my race and my having been divorced with children could have been a hurdle that had the potential to destroy our relationship considering the social implications for M. However, we chose to deal with issues head on.
Let me digress momentarily and use this opportunity to say I don’t know why so many Indian men lie about the relationships they are having with non Indian or outer caste or religion women. By lying they are only causing a great deal of hurt for the women who are falling in love with them. I think it’s childish and reeks of selfishness. To knowingly become involved with someone knowing your future holds an arranged marriage is asinine behavior. I hate to hear of women going through relationships that are built on a lie or limited information. Ladies if you are involved with someone and you find that you know very limited information about them perhaps you should ask yourself why. If their family doesn’t know about you and you’ve been together for a significant amount of time ask yourself why. (Blindian’s stepping down off of her soapbox now). Sorry folks but this subject really gets my blood pressure up.
Anyway, as I was saying, we chose to deal with issues head on. One of those issues dealt with my children. When M and I married, they were five years old. My ex husband originally wasn’t too keen on my packing up his children and taking them half way across the world to a country he knew nothing about. One of the things M did without my knowing he would do it was talk to my ex, P, man to man. M told him that he wasn’t trying to replace him as a father and that he was going to do everything he could to ensure our safety and happiness. M also told P that anytime he had questions about what was going on he was welcome to call him.
At first, P, wasn’t very receptive to M’s talk with him. He wasn’t ready for me to move on and was still having a difficult time with being divorced even though it was two years after the fact. We had spent nearly 10 years together in a marriage that I think we both were shocked to find disintegrate due to a variety of reasons. I had to sit P down and tell him that he needed to realize that most men wouldn’t have talked with him man to man like that. They would have basically gone about being with me without regard to him. Once he thought about what I said, he realized that M wanted nothing but to get along and for the kids to realize they were loved by everyone. P and I had an amicable divorce and we agreed early on that our jobs were to show the children how to have a healthy functional relationship even if we were not together. We don’t believe in the back and forth drama that some divorced couples have. It serves absolutely no purpose when you are trying to raise healthy well balanced children. That’s not to say we don’t have our disagreements, we do but even though we are divorced, P still wants to see me happy.
My sister calls me, P and M Demi, Bruce and Ashton because we all get along so well. M and P get along quite well. We all still occasionally have dinner together and will sometimes catch a movie. The kids know that P and I won’t be getting back together but they love the fact that they two dads and three grandmothers.
It’s not easy but at the end of the day we realize that our common goal are the kids..who have their first piano recital tomorrow so I’ll wrap this up.. until the next blog.
You are right that dealing with issues head on is important. After seeing how much you value open communicaiton, I was surprised when you said, “One of the things that P did without me knowing…” While the outcome may have been positive, It seems like that goes against your “open” philosophy…
I think you misread my blog post and I would encourage you to reread it. The exact quote was: “One of the things M did without my knowing he would do it was talk to my ex, P, man to man. M told him that he wasn’t trying to replace him as a father and that he was going to do everything he could to ensure our safety and happiness. M also told P that anytime he had questions about what was going on he was welcome to call him.”
I didn’t do anything without P. Knowing.
As you can see from the passage.. M talked to P without my knowing. Thanks for reading the blog.
Not that you don’t already know, but this is truly a blessing!! My personal situation is very different, and to be honest, I may put a little effort into making it better, but have not matured that far yet!
Trust me, getting along all the time is not easy. Sometimes P makes me want to pinch his head off because I don’t feel he always puts the kids best interests first. That’s when I remind him of our roles. I just sometimes thinks mothers see things from a different perspective. It takes a lot of patience and forgiveness for all parties involved. I’ve updated the post to show a pic of the happy family together at the kids piano recital.
I just wanted to say how happy I am, and grateful to you that such a blog exists. I too am in an interracial relationship with an Indian Man, and surprisingly I haven’t seen many of these relationships here in NYC. Of all the websites/blogs I’ve gone to yours seems to have the most comprehensive information on a successful, functional Indian/Black relationship. We’ve been together for about 3 years( since Junior year of college) but I can only hope the relationship will have the longevity of yours. Best of luck! 🙂
I love your blog. So refreshing to see a good outcome. M is obviously a wonderful man. It takes a real man to go to your ex and let him know his intentions when children are involved.
Mel and Adrian,
Thanks for dropping by the blog and for your sweet comments.
I’m surprised you don’t see more mixed couples in New York especially since there’s such a large Indian population there. Good luck on your relationship. I’m sure all will go well. Have you met the family yet?
I live in the Midwest and I don’t see any black and Indian relationships. I know alot of the ones I work with tend not to care for black people too much. So I just assumed that most of them feel that way. I have seen a couple of white women with Indian men though.