Today, I read a post from an Indian American woman involved in a relationship with an AA male for the last five years. They are contemplating making another step forward and she is torn between love and family wishes and values.
Based on the little bit that the OP posted, I could tell this was a subject to which she has given a great deal of thought. One of the things she mentioned in her post that grabbed me most was this line “It’s difficult when I have been ingrained in a culture that believes marriage is about two families coming together over similar values, lifestyles, and histories and that love is unstable and unreliable, something that will not be able to hold us together”
Her words really made my mental wheels turn and I know I may get a great deal of slack for what I’m about to say but at least be open enough to know the thought process behind my words. I think there is something to be said for arranged marriages. There are lower divorce rates and overall, arranged marriages seem to be more stable. Of course there are exceptions to this as there are in any generalization.
When we date are we not looking for people who share the same values and lifestyle as us? Yes, we want to have that euphoric feeling of love but speaking from experience, that feeling will only take us so far when it comes to enduring the ups and downs of relationships. That’s not to say that love is not important and does not have its place but I believe it is important to have shared values and lifestyles. Do I think that you can be in love and have the things we desire as far as values, lifestyles and histories go? Absolutely! However, I also see the argument behind arranged marriages- IF all parties involved are okay with it. It’s totally different if someone is forced into a relationship because it’s what is expected of them. I hope that everyone reading this understands that I believe in love. Love brought me and my husband together but so did shared values. However, I also can see the argument behind arranged marriages. That being said, I only agree with arranged relationships if everyone involved is on board with the process. I’m a sucker for love and I believe there is a place to create new traditions and histories together but I also believe in respecting the ones that got us to where we are as long as they are not disrespectful or hurtful to others. Therein lies part of the problem with why arranged marriages are looked upon so negatively. When parents or relatives that are arranging the relationships are so ingrained in their way of approaching marriages, that they overlook the feelings and wishes of the person they are arranging, it becomes hurtful. I believe the intentions of arranged marriages and the idea behind them were good at some point but when people impose those their ways upon someone else, that’s a problem.
Since I’ve started this blog, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting so many people who are thrilled to find couples that mirror themselves. I’ve also met so many people who are struggling to find answers to being in a Blindian relationship. For those people I say this, as I said to the OP. You already know that no one can make the decision that’s best for you other than you. I happen to believe that’s the healthiest attitude anyone can have when it comes to making major decisions.
Believe it or not, you are not alone . In the last four years that M and I have been together I have met at least four other black/Indian couples who actually got married but kept it secret for years. It’s such a sad way to live for them. There are always the questions and thoughts of ” ‘why can’t you tell your family or friends about me? I’m a good person, they’ll like me just give them the opportunity to meet me and you’ll see'”…or “‘ I don’t like being anyone’s secret.'” The thoughts of why and how they’ve allowed themselves to be in such a difficult place go on and on. It’s inevitable that people on the outside pass judgment about relationships like this all the time (and for the record they are not exclusive to Black/Indian relationships). That judgement in itself can add a whole boatload of issues but I digress.
At the end of the day, people make decisions that shape their lives and the futures of not only themselves but of future generations as well. This life is too short to make decisions based on how others feel you should live your life if it’s not something you’re completely 100% on board with. Make the decisions that you know in the end will bring you peace. I’m looking forward to hearing your comments on this issue. Until the next blog..
This happens to many people for different reasons. For example, Catholics and Protestants, Jews and Muslims, Blacks and Whites…the list goes on and on. Romeo and Juliet was about familial disapproval of their love. At times like these I look for what true love really is or rather how someone who loves , who really loves, reacts to the basic human right to choose. Real love is patient, kind, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes and REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH. So, one must decide what is true and real love will be there. It does not have to agree with the choice, like it or approve. But real love must be kind and love the person. From what I know from others who have been in a similar situation…the disapproving family comes around…eventually!!! For they love their children. An Indian friend once told me…” Indian parents do not stay away from their children—forever!!!
Peace
I was one of those women who admired the marriages. I just didn’t get why people of different countries have this everlasting marriages, why marriages among Americans seem to last no more than two days? Then I dated an African man with similar values. It was also he who reminded me what love is and in our case, isn’t.
I couldn’t wait to get out of my relationship. My problem with him was his inconsideration of my culture. It was almost like to preserve his culture by attempting to conform me to his cultural standards( which I would never let anybody do) It was like he was subtly telling me that if I was( name of the culture), you wouldn’t have to deal with the societal ills that exists in my country.
On the other side of the spectrum, An African American teacher reminded me that if you want a good marriage, no matter who we are from, we can have it. Although I only have to base his success on outside appearances, he reminded me that love isn’t just an emotion. As he and Charlie mentioned, it’s kind, patient and is mutual. My coach also told me that you can love a person, but you also have first learn how to commit for their right reasons, otherwise they cold be missing out on true happiness . Far as my former coach, he’s been married to his wife for over forty years.
I’ve have ran across women from various sections of the world who have been in the marriages for 20 or more years , but underneath saying how much they disagree with their marriages, but they’re in it because their cultural norm says they should be in it and in many instances ,in spite of them being in the US, how much divorce is deeply frowned upon in their communities. In some cases to getting a divorce can be far more difficult to get in let’s say in my ex’s neck of the woods, than the US.
We hear people claiming I found the right person and then they say why, and the typical answer may be ” Oh man, we share so much in common.” but will any of those thing make them better people or give people reasons to want to be in the marriage? That was my ex’s problem. He relied on his cultural background and his selfishness to have a committed relationship, instead of common sense and god’s help .
Even though M and you are from two different parts of their world and from different races, you two have proven that marriages can last in spite of what background you both derive from. Part of that reason why it is because you both see each other as people first and have a desire to be married. The problem with my ex was that he wanted to use his culture to take the easy way out of life.
I really liked this post by you. It was very insightful. Although I married outside my ethnicity, I agree with your conclusion that as long as both parties are in agreement with it, an arranged marriage is not in itself a bad thing. My extended family all live in India (I live/grew up in the US). Almost all my cousins in India actually ended up marrying people they had been dating (called a “love marriage” in India, as opposed to an “arranged marriage”). However, the couple of female cousins that ended up having an arranged marriage were very much in favor of it, since they wanted to get married at that time. I like the idea of having the option of family members making “introductions.” Unfortunately, there are cases where family members may be pressuring their adult children into marriage, thinking they know best, but that is definitely not always the case.
I submitted w/out finishing the above post. I wanted to add a comment on an aside note. If you wanted to look at a really nice book (photos w/ commentaries) that documents the experiences of multi-racial individuals, I recommend reading “Blended Nation,” by Mike Taubner/Pamela Singh. I got it as a Mother’s Day gift, & I really enjoyed it
My mom also feels positively about arranged marriages. She’s been married to my father for nearly 30 years and when I hear her talk about their relationship in its earliest stages, it makes me think of a self-arranged marriage, if that’s even possible.
My view is this: arranged marriages are going to have lower divorce rates because more times than not the families or communities that arranged it won’t allow a divorce. I’m not saying they can’t be successful for both people involved but IMO it’s harder to get out of a marriage instigated by people other than the two involved. Sometimes arranged marriages are about the status and connections of the family rather than choosing a compatible person for their loved one.
That said, I understand completely about shared values. One of the reason so many marriages fail in the US is because people are marrying the wrong people for the wrong reasons. But I believe you can combine shared values and genuine affection. IMO you need both for a marriage to be mutually satisfying. Wanting the same things out of life is important, but there has to be something else about the person that makes you want a life with him/her.
Just to bring in my personal experience for the past few months my mom’s been pushing me to date my soon-to-be ex male roommate who she’s convinced wants to date me. We shared an apartment for 2 years. (My mom does not believe in romance, chemistry, physical attraction etc.) He was an awesome roommate and is someone I consider a good friend. We do have a lot of shared values and similarities. But emotionally and personality-wise I don’t feel that connection and physically there’s nothing (on my end anyway.)
Unfortunately she won’t give up on this despite me telling her numerous times I’m not interested and explaining why. I get she likes him and likes the idea of us as a couple but that doesn’t mean we should be. I’m not against the idea of arranged marriages but I would not choose one for myself. I’m big on individual liberties and free choice. I should be able to choose who I want to be with because in the end I’m the one who has to live with what ever relationship I’m in.
Marriage from times immemorials is basically an economic exchange between families and communities. The concept of marriage for love is relatively very new. Even in Europe until 100-150 years ago marriages were arranged between people of similar economic background read social class.
Desi marriages are mostly arranged as it is definitely the family looking for a woman to adjust and assimilate with their temprament rather than finding a wife for their son. Personal compatibility is the last thing on their mind. It all begins with the family’s social standing- name, reputation, class etc. Followed by woman’s complexion, physical attributes. When families invest in feeding five hundred guests they make it sure the couple especially the woman does not balk.
I often see how couples want call it quits but can’t because the other family members and fear faceless strangers gossiping prevents them from doing so. Many marriages have lasted 30-40 years because quiting was not an option. Because they have lasted decades does not mean they are functional marriages.
No matter what ethnicity or nationality two people are they cannot strike it together unless they share basic regards for humans and treat each other with kindness and compassion.
Hi! I’m a Ceylonese and promised myself never to get into a relationship with a man from the same race! – because of personal experiences that made me view the men from my own race as well……not very nice!
However, I ended up marrying a Ceylonese and now I’m waiting for my divorce to get finalised. I guess you would call it a “love marriage”…but what it also tells me is that it really doesn’t matter what race or religion your significant other is, as long as there is mutual respect of each other’s values and we treat each other as how we would like to be treated: with love, respect, compassion and understanding.
One of the comments mentioned that the reason why divorce or separation in arranged marriages may be less could be that the families and the community won’t allow it, and I agree with that. However, on the other hand, I have heard of arranged marriages working out really well too!
In my round about way, I guess I want to say that regardless of it being a love marriage or an arranged marriage, marriage within your own kind or not, it really comes down to the individuals involved.
Do you take the other for who they are, do you respect the other as a human being with feelings , strengths and weakness and do you love and care for them ; and do you or don’t you allow yourself to be influenced by those that only put your relationship down.
Love your postings and the way you write them. It’s very insightful and you have a calm way of writing!!
[…] really fuming after I read this. IHM has initiated several discussions over women’s choice and blindianlove is talking about choice of love or arranged marriage. All discussions about choice essentially come […]
Wow,
The idea of keeping an interracial relationship secret physically hurts me. It’s so sad that people feel the need to do that in 2010. I have been in several interracial relationships, but they were mostly with white men who were clueless about their own ethnicity, like “Tim, where are your ancestors from?” “Uh, somewhere in Europe I guess.” But, I have to say I am against arranged marriages. I think that even if both sides are OK with it, there is a certain amount to pressure involved. And, getting married seems to be stressful enough.
I agree that even if the two people in an arranged marriage are in agreement and the marriage lasts, still does justify the idea behind arranged marriages. I think adult children should be given enough respect to make this decision for themselves. Telling someone else who they should marry is overstepping the boundaries. I wrote an article that explains my take on it in further detail. Please read it if you have time and comment.
I am tickled pink by your blog. I just discovered it today. I am Nigerian born, grew up in England, and now live in the States. My Mum was always enthralled with Indian films. I grew up with that and also participated in Indian dance as a child in England. I grew up surrounded by so many cultures in the cosmopolitan salad bowl that is London. I am an enthusiast of my own culture and fully embrace any I come in touch with. I have always been thoroughly enchanted by Indian culture and the idea of racism and prejudice being a barrier in connecting has made me sad since I have lived in the US. I have always been attracted and attractive to men of various cultures. It is really nice to read that Desi and Black love is possible in the diaspora.
I love this blog and I believe I’m definitely going to subscribe. I am an ethnically mixed female, although I can’t say mainly black I’m sure anyone viewing me would. For sometime I’ve wanted to marry desi, my husband is an Euro-mutt lol, so love happened.
Personally I like the idea of arranged marriages, I almost had an arranged marriage through my community (Native American). I do believe that so long as both parties are willing, the marriage is about so much more than a few passionate months of lust. I’m not saying all “love marriages” are, but a good number of them are based off of that dopamine high experienced within the first few months of a relationship. Arranged marriages are stability, they’re getting to know someone and becoming a team member, love comes eventually but there’s depth there to the relationship. These things can all be accomplished with love marriages but many people are so busy looking at the fairy tale idea of what marriage is, that when hard times hit….they leave. It takes time to build a marriage.
Well I have been reading the comments and I have to say I do not believe in doing things because of social norms and because your parents say so. Yes you can respect your parents without losing your identity. Maybe I feel that way because I’m us born but I have many indian friends and I personally think its ridiculous the burden some parents put on their children.I read an above post that stated that they agreed with arranged marriages because they last. But I want to remind that person that most arranged unions last out of obligation and after awhile you learn to live with it because that’s what you are taught to do. Yes I know the ignorance of some cultures toward others but that will not sway how I raise my children or whom I fall in love. If my indian boyfriend and I (and I’m black) decide to get married that’s what we will do! My family is open but because of his culture his family may not be. That’s ok I have to kiss him goodnight and at the end of the day no one else!! For all of you out their who happens to find love in places out of the norm go for it! No one said your true love would be from your neck of the woods? Be happy!
I am currently married to an east indian man and i am a AA female. Many Indian men have a hard time standing up to their parents when it comes to interacial relationships. From my experience in dating indian men i noticed that Southern Indian men are more reserved when considering dating interacially. Northern Indians are more open but still face alot of scrutiny. The Indian culture can be very racist,the family will except marriage to a white woman because of her fair skin but look at a black woman like she is a curse to the family. I don’t have this problem right now but have been through it in past blindian relationships. So before you even consider being in a blindian relationship make sure this person is worth the challenges ahead.
I am a Desi girl married to an AA man. I understand exactly what you mean by Desis being more receptive of white spouses than AAs. My brother married a white woman and he didn’t face nearly as much criticism as I did. My family didn’t accept my husband and told me that my marriage was a mistake. I was really hurt by it at first but I didn’t give up. Eventually they got to know my husband and fell in love with him. I also faced problems with his family but we found a way to not let others come between us. You’re right about blindian relationships being challenging. There’s a level of maturity required for being in any type of interracial relationship. Both people have to be willing to deal with and learn from the challenges in order to grow together.
Starr, I admire your strong attitude about intercultural dating. Everyone else can have their opinion but the only two people that matter are the ones in the relationship. As long as you’re happy, it doesn’t matter who you’re with or whether someone approves of it or not. I wish more girls had the same outlook on interracial dating.
I love your website! I am currently in the budding stages of my relationship with an Indian man. I am AA. He is intelligent, considerate, kind. I’m excited to see where things will lead but I will admit that I have asked questions about his family. If they would approve, if they would mind their only son dating an AA woman, etc. He has not only reassured me but has eased my mind and heart on many occasions. I was raised to be well rounded accepting people for who they are not for the color of their skin. I’m proud of that but I’m finding that this new relationship has created questions in my mind, unintentionally. Unfortunately, the questions relate to how others would feel about us. Your website has provided an outlet for me to learn and address those questions when they arise. Thanks!
I am in a relationship with an Indian man. He has openly told me that his parents would kill him if they found out that he was dating me. I am an African American female. He is so different and takes risks where his other Indian friends do not. Howevever, when I asked him if he was for arranged marriages, he said yes. I guess I know what I need to do here. Now, I am thinking that everything we’ve shared was just him having “American Fun”!
Ashie, I’ll defer to the other members on their opinion of your situation. However, it appears to me that you both need to decide what direction you are going in to determine if it’s something mutually acceptable. If one party is marriage minded and the other is not and is more about having “American Fun” (as you referred to it), that’s a recipe for disaster. I think being on the same accord will help tremendously. If you know what you are going into from the very beginning knowing he may one day be arranged off, and you don’t choose to opt out, that can be a recipe for disaster and many hurt feelings. Often, women allow themselves to get into situations where they think they can change the man’s mind by making them realize what a good woman she is but when he doesn’t adapt as she expects him to, she winds up with a broken heart. I’ve been there and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
My advice is to have the conversation and go from there according to what is best for you. Good luck.
In my opinion men are usually forward about what they want be it with words or actions, but us as women hear what we want to hear. Seems like if you have the notion that he is just having “American Fun”, then apparently your thoughts have been validated by his actions. Life is too short to be strung along by someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart. I encourage you to have a frank, honest discussion with him about his future plans with you, if any, and make your decision from there.
I am discovering many men of Indian descent appear to be quite attracted to me. One in particular with whom I see marriage. Given their culture, I can’t help wondering what makes these men so attracted to AA women? Is it because we are taboo or what?
I have read ur blog, it was referred to me by my mother. I am AA and my husband is gujarti and we have a beautiful 9 week old daughter. His family wanted him to move back to India once they found out I was pregnant and we weren’t yet married. They kept trying to convince me to get an abortion. His grandfather even wanted to drown her after she was born. So I completely distanced myself from them. They only wanted him to see her once a month. Now that we are married and happy they only call to bother us. They want nothing to do with me or the baby. The relationship that he has with is family isnt the best. They never say they love or miss him its all about money to them. When he is doing good they say it is not enough and when he is doing bad the talk bad about him. I have asked that we change our numbers and loose contact with them but no matter how bad they treat him or make him feel i dnt think he can do that.
Misfit, reading your post broke my heart. I know this has got to be an incredibly difficult situation for both you and your husband. He’s torn between his own flesh and blood on both sides. Send me a PM. I have a couple of women who have gone through (and are going through) similar situations and I’d like to put you in touch with them. You need all the support you can get right now.
@Misfit-I am so sorry for what you have to go through. It sounds like your husband’s family are very spiteful people with a lot of control issues. I would encourage you to encourage your husband to set up boundaries with his family. If they call they must be respectful to you his wife and the child both of you share. The harassment must cease and desist!!! If there is anything good about them… remember that if it were not for your in-laws, your husband would not exist. Try to view them with pity for the hatred they have will only consume them. Unfortunately we do not get to pick our parents.
Hug
It makes me sad to hear about this. Hopefully the family will come around; seeing as they are driving a wedge between themselves and your husband. I would be cautious with any future dealings with them if I were you; especially since they wanted to harm your innocent child. My heart goes out to you and your family. Congratulations on your new arrival.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully things have gotten better since this post. My family has also done hurtful things to me over the years for not being desi enough. However, they are my family and I will always love them. I wouldn’t like it if my husband told me not to have any contact with them because his family has also been hurtful to me and I wouldn’t ask him to cut the ties- that has to be HIS decision. You don’t want to be the bad guy by drawing a wedge between him and his family. Let him come to this conclusion on his own rather than telling him what to do. On the other hand, things might change over time and they may grow to love you and their granddaughter. I know it’s hard to hear but time changes a lot of things. Best of luck.
Well, I broke it off with him!! This was the test….his sister just came to the U.S. from India. She will be here for a month. Last weekend he flew to where she is to visit with her. He hadn’t seen her in 3 years. This upcoming weekend she plans on flying here to visit him. I asked the question I alrwdy knew the answer to…I asked when what day during the weekend would I get to meet his sister. First came the silence then it was…”if you meet my sister, she will tell my parents!”. That was the answer I was looking for. I told him that I cannot subject myself to this. It is what it is. No matter how he tells me cares or no matter how sincere it feels, I know I can’t compete with the fact that he would not choose me over the wishes of his parents. As hard as it was, I think breaking it off was the best thing I could do! Heart ache now is better than heart ache later! He’s been texting, calling, and emailing me but there is nothing that he can tell me. I want more and I know he can’t give it to me. I don’t want to hear his reasoning about him not wanting to disrespect his parents. So have I not been disrespected? If he would have disclosed his beliefs in regards to his parents from jump, then it would have been up to me to decide if that’s what I wanted to deal with!!!
And to think, he has the nerve to tell me that I’m not being fair and that I’m hurting him???!!! Huh?
Kudos to you for making such a tough decision. I agree witih you that a little heartache now is better than big heartache later. Many women fail to take signs like yours seriously and think that perhaps they can change the man later. When this doesn’t happen, they wind up devastated. I’m sorry to hear this happened to you but again, at least you are in tune with your needs and desires enough to make the decision that would save you big hassles later.
That is sad how so much hatred can impair the thoughts of people. I will never get why people can have that much animosity towards their flesh and blood or to humanity .While I’m for forgiveness and weighing things out, I would NEVER let them folks near my child/children , nor would I want to be in the same room with them by myself.Presently, your husband ‘s folks doesn’t want to see you all. That is something that he will slowly have to contend with. For the time being, I hope that he will focus on the family that cares about him—the one that he has with you and the joy that will come from that. It’s your family gain and their loss.
I think that one thing that was not discussed is the differing expectations.
while I don’t always agree with “arranged marriages,” I think that the people who enter them have a more realistic view of what to expect. they don’t expect “love” at first. They know that it is going to be challenging and (maybe because of their families, or maybe because of something else) they are commited to make it work. i don’t know why this is so.
But, when people make a love marriage it seems to be so thoroughly based on one’s individual emotions that they are shocked when there is turbulence. Also, if one can “love,” the notion is that they can also “fall out of love,” or “love someone else.” Since the choice to marry is yours, then, when it gets difficult, you can also choose to opt out.
I can’t determine or compare states of happiness. But, i do think that if you believe that you are bound to this person for life and (you have no choice to divorce) then, you are more likely to work things out. if you always know that divorce is an option, then, you are willing to take that choice. And, since a love marriage is built on “one’s choice,” then so is a divorce.
DH’s parents would say that they are perfectly happy with their arranged marriage. no one can dispute their feelings. But, love marriages can yield happiness also.
I think that it is worth noting that if you have an unhappy arranged marriage, you can always blamd your parents, but you have yourself to blame (or your spouse) when the love marriage does not work out.
and, i think that we need to make a distinction.
There are ‘arranged marriages’
where the parent chooses and the person has no say.
But, increasingly, the two do have some type of “getting acquainted” before the marriage and both men and women do have a say (be it small or large) in their marriage partner.
DH does have two friends where the males have “let” their mothers pick their brides. they have searched and did not find a woman that they liked, so they gave their parents permission to pick and they would agree.
But, even in this case, the men are giving their decision making power away.
There is lots to be said on this subject.
i hope that you keep writing!
i have not heard anything from you in a while.
Jan,
So what if love marriage ends up being a mistake and doesn’t last? Sometimes people change and grow apart. I think naturally we all resist change but is it not a normal part of life? We all make mistakes but that’s just called being human. Don’t get me wrong, I take marriage very seriously. However, not everything in life can be planned. Some decisions may seem like a good idea in your 20s but may not be later in life when your personality changes. We are all constantly changing and growing. My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years and have survived many good and bad personality changes together. We were fortunate enough to have grown together rather than apart. If I had let my parents arrange my marriage, not sure that person would’ve grown with me through different stages of life. I’m pretty sure we would’ve stayed married out of obligation rather than choice.
Choice is not a bad thing. Being able to “choose” something, whether it be marriage or divorce, is actually quite liberating. I would much rather be divorced by choice than to be married by obligation- that’s just me.
Ultimately, I do belief that every individual should be responsible for making this very personal decision by themselves. Parents can do their best with arranging marriages but they can’t predict the challenges the couple will face together or individually. Needless to say that arranged marriage puts a lot of pressure to stay married even when you’re not happy with the relationship.
Please read my article, What’s wrong with Arranged Marriage, if you want to know more about my take on it.
This is the first time I am visiting your blog and I must say you have got a regular visitor now.
Even I have some Indian friends of mine who turn towards their home land for arranged marriages when it comes to getting married. And the more interesting thing is that matrimonial websites are so popular among Indians living abroad to find that right partner.
There is an interesting documentary called Not a Chance accompanying a blog dedicated to this issue.
i have not seen that documentary, but i know that there are others from the BBC that talk about using the internet to find a mate for a kind of semi-arranged marriage.
Sometimes “arranged marriages” get a bad wrap because they imply that the bride&groom don’t get a say in the selection of their mate. But, more and more, they are getting a say — a kind of “yes or no.”
It becomes harmful when parental wishes should be respected more than the individual wishes of the bride/or/groom.
I love your blog and all of your posts! Please update us! I have written on here before and shared some of my story. But to refresh, I have been in a relationship with an Indian man for almost two years now. I am AA. We went through the family quarrels and them attempting to tear us apart (they succeeded at one point). We had to cut each other off and were to never ever speak again or see each other again! But he could not stand to be away from me so he ended up coming back into my life despite what their mean efforts. I have a wonderful story to share about something that happened to us today in church. We were sitting in church and a couple walked in with their sons and D drew my attention to them and said look theres an indian woman. Well I had heard about a guy that is a member of the church that married an indian woman but I never saw it and never remembered them when I was coming up. They came today and I was asking about them and I know the guys dad very well…hes a sweetheart. But we were all introduced after church and they agreed to take pictures with us and they were asking us questions and open to our questions as well. But the title of the sermon was whats your story? And in a nutshell he was talking about people having stories just like Jesus and sometimes people’s stories are a burden for themselves but can be something wonderful for someone else if they release their story and share it with someone else. They shared their story with us after church and passed on experiences and advice and it was a beautiful thing because never in a million years did I ever think that I would actually see an indian and black married and with kids! Theyve been married almost 20 years and are very happy together. They gave us words of encouragement and said that they will keep in touch with us. I really couldnt believe it. I had been praying for a sign from God and then I just stopped praying and put it behind me and said i prayed and prayed so I will leave it alone. And the minute it was out of my mind and I least expected it this happened today. Me and D havent been to church in a while and neither had the other couple. They havent visited in years and today was the day that they came. Im very thankful for that…but I really think that God was telling me that me and D that we should hold on and that all things that the heart desires really are possible if you have faith. Today somewhat marked a great day in history for us because it was our first time witnessing something like this in my home town and I am truly blessed to have been able to witness this! Keep the blogs coming! =)
I am an Indian female and dating a half black/white guy. We have been living together for 3 1/2 years and dating for 4. All the cousins and siblings know about him but the adults do not. I have to agree… living a secret life sucks! you constantly have to lie about who your with, when, where, how and so on. Indian parents even question you no matter your age! (ex: im 27)
When trying to make an attempt to talk to my mom about it I get the old “ITS OK TO BE FRIENDS, BUT NOTHING MORE” SO ANNOYING!
my boyfriend and I are committed to each other and both attend law school! How can I get my family to approve of him!
Most traditional parents are about status and pedigree, they want to know that he will be a good provider for you and whatever children might come along. Show them that he respects you, your traditions and culture. I know it sounds like a pain but put their minds to rest and give them something to brag on, all traditional parents love that in every race. You’re their baby and they’re going to worry about you, its natural.
Hello. My name is Asia! I am African America & currently dating an Indian man from Punjab… & like plenty of others it is very difficult to maintain a relationship because of the differences in our culture. His family has not even met me & they already hate me. All of his friends & even his boss at work, who is from Bangladesh doesn’t approve of us being together. My mom & sister does not want me to be with him either because i am a christian & he is Sikh.Although they don’t approve they don’t treat him any different & always invite him to family events. He is struggling with our relationship because he has so many people telling him; to leave me alone, i’m no good for him, he deserves better, etc…. Even though none of these people that talk so badly about me has met me. or even know what i look like. I am a great educated woman & i love this man. I know he loves me too. I have never been in such a great relationship. He is about done with trying to be with me and please everyone else. That’s his personality; he is a people pleaser. He wants to break up because he can’t deal with the every day ridicule. I have tried everything in my power to change his mind, but it hurts SO much to see him in this much pain. Torn between happiness with me & having peace with the people around him. I have been telling him we will make it, everything will be okay, there are PLENTY of couple like us that have made it & are very happy but it isn’t helping. You have no idea how delighted i am to see that you have made yourself a family as a interracial couple. I just wish he could see how great things could be, and don’t let other people dictate his future. DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME?
Hi Asia! I am also an AA female in an IR with an Indian. He is Gujarati. I understand completely how you feel! We went through the exact same things and many occasions he was ready and willing to give up bc he too is a people pleaser. We have been together a little over 2 years and the majority of the time it was extremely difficult. He actually ended up cutting me off bc his family made him. The only advice that I have from personal experience is to pray and remind him of the beautiful person you are and he is. Remind him of the beauty in your relationship and give each other the faith and encouragement you both need. I am a testimony that things can get better and peoples negative perceptions can be changed. I had to prove myself to his family and show them that I was not the horrible person they thought I was. Be there and be cordial with a smile on your face even when u don’t want to smile. Sometimes it takes doing and showing true strength to change how ppl feel about u and how they view you. It wasn’t easy for us, but true love is worth pursuing. I never received apologies from any of his family, but after a long hard road, we are now newly engaged. His mother and I have an awesome relationship and his family is happy for us and approves. I wish the best for the both of you. I know that it is hard and some days can be earth shattering but the reward is magnificent. No one can come between true love, and both of you should remember this. If he needs time, maybe you should allow it. That is what I had to do for my then boyfriend, now fiance. Sometimes it takes giving someone time to miss you and experience life without you to realize that after true love, life is never ever the same again.
If he doesn’t appreciate you then you don’t need him sweety, there are plenty of men out there that do want you for you regardless of race. Maybe he needs to be reminded of what a gem he is about to lose….for some reason men seem to want you if other people take an interest.
@ lily
Don’t listen to her feminist bulshit. If u think, compatibility and then love between u & ur partner are great then u have a reason to go after him . Don’t let ego (either yours or ego communicated by others) come in ur relationship. How is going after the person u love to make him realize this is great(Relationship) makes me look bad .I always appreciated their(feminist) concern but not the way they want to achieve.so don’t be one , just go for it. Good luck
Hello Ladies, Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate it. Me and my SO has worked somewhat through our troubles, and he decided to try for the sake of our love. So i am trying my best to help keep his faith high not knowing when he will give up again. The day his parents decide to meet me i’ll be sure to keep everything you said in mind. Congrats on your engagement Amber! You really are a testimony & make things so much easier for other IR. Thank You!
Thank you, Asia! I really hope that everything works out for the both of you, and eventually his family as well. I know how devastating and frustrating it can be sometimes. I have learned that faith can take you a mighty long way…faith in God and faith in each other! At some point he will have to realize that pleasing everyone else may not always be the right decision. You CANT always please everyone. If he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, YOUR happiness and HIS happiness should come first. My fiance gave up countless times, and even after he chose me over his family and moved in, he chose them and ended up moving out 4 days later with no contact at all! You have support from me and others on this website! Without this website, I wouldn’t have made it through some days. It is wonderful to know that support is here! Just remember that even when times get darker than you can imagine, there is always light to be shown to guide you through. It is up to IR couples to break the mold and the shed light on the ignorance of society. When one of us makes it, we all make it because one couple can make so much difference in opening the hearts and minds of those who are so against IR relationships. Find your strength and don’t let it go! Hope this helps! Again, good luck! =) Keep us posted!
Hey Amber, Things aren’t working out. I thought they were but once again i was wrong. My SO has broken up with me. Without any heads up goodbye, nothing. He won’t answer my calls or messages. He has broken up with me & asked me to take him back 4 times in the last 2 weeks & frankly i am exhausted. I don’t know what to do. I love him yet i am starting to become angry with him. I don’t think i can ever trust to take him back if it ever came down to it. I really thought we would work. I believed we would work & thought he did too. How do i handle this? I have prayed about this & feel like i am stuck at a standstill. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this because no one understands how it feels to be in this kind of predicament, except the ppl on this website, Thanks for your suppport. Please respond.
yes i an married to a man frompunjab we were maeerid for 7 years but he got deported i know he still loves me we call almost every day and he is in a arrange marraige i am going to keep holding on to him becouse i kmow he still loves so you keep holding on if he really love you he will leave those so called friends alone cgrewal
All i can say, is this people are players. shit!!! playing with people’s feelings. Im a young African gril in love with an india guys from India. Its hurts, the next minute we are so in love we talk alomost all day long. The following day he is so out of tune. shit we are also human being with true feelings. if it doesnt work out just leave him. it hurts i have since discussed to leave my life and get over him.
But when i do that he will be send me lovely msg’s. anyway thanks for such a website were we can open up and share our joy and sadness.
A Journey In Black and Indian Love 
This happens to many people for different reasons. For example, Catholics and Protestants, Jews and Muslims, Blacks and Whites…the list goes on and on. Romeo and Juliet was about familial disapproval of their love. At times like these I look for what true love really is or rather how someone who loves , who really loves, reacts to the basic human right to choose. Real love is patient, kind, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes and REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH. So, one must decide what is true and real love will be there. It does not have to agree with the choice, like it or approve. But real love must be kind and love the person. From what I know from others who have been in a similar situation…the disapproving family comes around…eventually!!! For they love their children. An Indian friend once told me…” Indian parents do not stay away from their children—forever!!!
Peace
I’m not going to lie,
I was one of those women who admired the marriages. I just didn’t get why people of different countries have this everlasting marriages, why marriages among Americans seem to last no more than two days? Then I dated an African man with similar values. It was also he who reminded me what love is and in our case, isn’t.
I couldn’t wait to get out of my relationship. My problem with him was his inconsideration of my culture. It was almost like to preserve his culture by attempting to conform me to his cultural standards( which I would never let anybody do) It was like he was subtly telling me that if I was( name of the culture), you wouldn’t have to deal with the societal ills that exists in my country.
On the other side of the spectrum, An African American teacher reminded me that if you want a good marriage, no matter who we are from, we can have it. Although I only have to base his success on outside appearances, he reminded me that love isn’t just an emotion. As he and Charlie mentioned, it’s kind, patient and is mutual. My coach also told me that you can love a person, but you also have first learn how to commit for their right reasons, otherwise they cold be missing out on true happiness . Far as my former coach, he’s been married to his wife for over forty years.
I’ve have ran across women from various sections of the world who have been in the marriages for 20 or more years , but underneath saying how much they disagree with their marriages, but they’re in it because their cultural norm says they should be in it and in many instances ,in spite of them being in the US, how much divorce is deeply frowned upon in their communities. In some cases to getting a divorce can be far more difficult to get in let’s say in my ex’s neck of the woods, than the US.
We hear people claiming I found the right person and then they say why, and the typical answer may be ” Oh man, we share so much in common.” but will any of those thing make them better people or give people reasons to want to be in the marriage? That was my ex’s problem. He relied on his cultural background and his selfishness to have a committed relationship, instead of common sense and god’s help .
Even though M and you are from two different parts of their world and from different races, you two have proven that marriages can last in spite of what background you both derive from. Part of that reason why it is because you both see each other as people first and have a desire to be married. The problem with my ex was that he wanted to use his culture to take the easy way out of life.
I really liked this post by you. It was very insightful. Although I married outside my ethnicity, I agree with your conclusion that as long as both parties are in agreement with it, an arranged marriage is not in itself a bad thing. My extended family all live in India (I live/grew up in the US). Almost all my cousins in India actually ended up marrying people they had been dating (called a “love marriage” in India, as opposed to an “arranged marriage”). However, the couple of female cousins that ended up having an arranged marriage were very much in favor of it, since they wanted to get married at that time. I like the idea of having the option of family members making “introductions.” Unfortunately, there are cases where family members may be pressuring their adult children into marriage, thinking they know best, but that is definitely not always the case.
I submitted w/out finishing the above post. I wanted to add a comment on an aside note. If you wanted to look at a really nice book (photos w/ commentaries) that documents the experiences of multi-racial individuals, I recommend reading “Blended Nation,” by Mike Taubner/Pamela Singh. I got it as a Mother’s Day gift, & I really enjoyed it
My mom also feels positively about arranged marriages. She’s been married to my father for nearly 30 years and when I hear her talk about their relationship in its earliest stages, it makes me think of a self-arranged marriage, if that’s even possible.
My view is this: arranged marriages are going to have lower divorce rates because more times than not the families or communities that arranged it won’t allow a divorce. I’m not saying they can’t be successful for both people involved but IMO it’s harder to get out of a marriage instigated by people other than the two involved. Sometimes arranged marriages are about the status and connections of the family rather than choosing a compatible person for their loved one.
That said, I understand completely about shared values. One of the reason so many marriages fail in the US is because people are marrying the wrong people for the wrong reasons. But I believe you can combine shared values and genuine affection. IMO you need both for a marriage to be mutually satisfying. Wanting the same things out of life is important, but there has to be something else about the person that makes you want a life with him/her.
Just to bring in my personal experience for the past few months my mom’s been pushing me to date my soon-to-be ex male roommate who she’s convinced wants to date me. We shared an apartment for 2 years. (My mom does not believe in romance, chemistry, physical attraction etc.) He was an awesome roommate and is someone I consider a good friend. We do have a lot of shared values and similarities. But emotionally and personality-wise I don’t feel that connection and physically there’s nothing (on my end anyway.)
Unfortunately she won’t give up on this despite me telling her numerous times I’m not interested and explaining why. I get she likes him and likes the idea of us as a couple but that doesn’t mean we should be. I’m not against the idea of arranged marriages but I would not choose one for myself. I’m big on individual liberties and free choice. I should be able to choose who I want to be with because in the end I’m the one who has to live with what ever relationship I’m in.
Marriage from times immemorials is basically an economic exchange between families and communities. The concept of marriage for love is relatively very new. Even in Europe until 100-150 years ago marriages were arranged between people of similar economic background read social class.
Desi marriages are mostly arranged as it is definitely the family looking for a woman to adjust and assimilate with their temprament rather than finding a wife for their son. Personal compatibility is the last thing on their mind. It all begins with the family’s social standing- name, reputation, class etc. Followed by woman’s complexion, physical attributes. When families invest in feeding five hundred guests they make it sure the couple especially the woman does not balk.
http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/06/17/desi-marriage-eligible-or-ineligible-question/
I often see how couples want call it quits but can’t because the other family members and fear faceless strangers gossiping prevents them from doing so. Many marriages have lasted 30-40 years because quiting was not an option. Because they have lasted decades does not mean they are functional marriages.
No matter what ethnicity or nationality two people are they cannot strike it together unless they share basic regards for humans and treat each other with kindness and compassion.
Peace,
Desi Girl
Hi! I’m a Ceylonese and promised myself never to get into a relationship with a man from the same race! – because of personal experiences that made me view the men from my own race as well……not very nice!
However, I ended up marrying a Ceylonese and now I’m waiting for my divorce to get finalised. I guess you would call it a “love marriage”…but what it also tells me is that it really doesn’t matter what race or religion your significant other is, as long as there is mutual respect of each other’s values and we treat each other as how we would like to be treated: with love, respect, compassion and understanding.
One of the comments mentioned that the reason why divorce or separation in arranged marriages may be less could be that the families and the community won’t allow it, and I agree with that. However, on the other hand, I have heard of arranged marriages working out really well too!
In my round about way, I guess I want to say that regardless of it being a love marriage or an arranged marriage, marriage within your own kind or not, it really comes down to the individuals involved.
Do you take the other for who they are, do you respect the other as a human being with feelings , strengths and weakness and do you love and care for them ; and do you or don’t you allow yourself to be influenced by those that only put your relationship down.
Love your postings and the way you write them. It’s very insightful and you have a calm way of writing!!
[…] really fuming after I read this. IHM has initiated several discussions over women’s choice and blindianlove is talking about choice of love or arranged marriage. All discussions about choice essentially come […]
Wow,
The idea of keeping an interracial relationship secret physically hurts me. It’s so sad that people feel the need to do that in 2010. I have been in several interracial relationships, but they were mostly with white men who were clueless about their own ethnicity, like “Tim, where are your ancestors from?” “Uh, somewhere in Europe I guess.” But, I have to say I am against arranged marriages. I think that even if both sides are OK with it, there is a certain amount to pressure involved. And, getting married seems to be stressful enough.
Venessa,
I agree that even if the two people in an arranged marriage are in agreement and the marriage lasts, still does justify the idea behind arranged marriages. I think adult children should be given enough respect to make this decision for themselves. Telling someone else who they should marry is overstepping the boundaries. I wrote an article that explains my take on it in further detail. Please read it if you have time and comment.
http://desigirlincharge.com/whats-wrong-with-arranged-marriage-
I am tickled pink by your blog. I just discovered it today. I am Nigerian born, grew up in England, and now live in the States. My Mum was always enthralled with Indian films. I grew up with that and also participated in Indian dance as a child in England. I grew up surrounded by so many cultures in the cosmopolitan salad bowl that is London. I am an enthusiast of my own culture and fully embrace any I come in touch with. I have always been thoroughly enchanted by Indian culture and the idea of racism and prejudice being a barrier in connecting has made me sad since I have lived in the US. I have always been attracted and attractive to men of various cultures. It is really nice to read that Desi and Black love is possible in the diaspora.
I love this blog and I believe I’m definitely going to subscribe. I am an ethnically mixed female, although I can’t say mainly black I’m sure anyone viewing me would. For sometime I’ve wanted to marry desi, my husband is an Euro-mutt lol, so love happened.
Personally I like the idea of arranged marriages, I almost had an arranged marriage through my community (Native American). I do believe that so long as both parties are willing, the marriage is about so much more than a few passionate months of lust. I’m not saying all “love marriages” are, but a good number of them are based off of that dopamine high experienced within the first few months of a relationship. Arranged marriages are stability, they’re getting to know someone and becoming a team member, love comes eventually but there’s depth there to the relationship. These things can all be accomplished with love marriages but many people are so busy looking at the fairy tale idea of what marriage is, that when hard times hit….they leave. It takes time to build a marriage.
Well I have been reading the comments and I have to say I do not believe in doing things because of social norms and because your parents say so. Yes you can respect your parents without losing your identity. Maybe I feel that way because I’m us born but I have many indian friends and I personally think its ridiculous the burden some parents put on their children.I read an above post that stated that they agreed with arranged marriages because they last. But I want to remind that person that most arranged unions last out of obligation and after awhile you learn to live with it because that’s what you are taught to do. Yes I know the ignorance of some cultures toward others but that will not sway how I raise my children or whom I fall in love. If my indian boyfriend and I (and I’m black) decide to get married that’s what we will do! My family is open but because of his culture his family may not be. That’s ok I have to kiss him goodnight and at the end of the day no one else!! For all of you out their who happens to find love in places out of the norm go for it! No one said your true love would be from your neck of the woods? Be happy!
I am currently married to an east indian man and i am a AA female. Many Indian men have a hard time standing up to their parents when it comes to interacial relationships. From my experience in dating indian men i noticed that Southern Indian men are more reserved when considering dating interacially. Northern Indians are more open but still face alot of scrutiny. The Indian culture can be very racist,the family will except marriage to a white woman because of her fair skin but look at a black woman like she is a curse to the family. I don’t have this problem right now but have been through it in past blindian relationships. So before you even consider being in a blindian relationship make sure this person is worth the challenges ahead.
Laksha,
I am a Desi girl married to an AA man. I understand exactly what you mean by Desis being more receptive of white spouses than AAs. My brother married a white woman and he didn’t face nearly as much criticism as I did. My family didn’t accept my husband and told me that my marriage was a mistake. I was really hurt by it at first but I didn’t give up. Eventually they got to know my husband and fell in love with him. I also faced problems with his family but we found a way to not let others come between us. You’re right about blindian relationships being challenging. There’s a level of maturity required for being in any type of interracial relationship. Both people have to be willing to deal with and learn from the challenges in order to grow together.
Starr, I admire your strong attitude about intercultural dating. Everyone else can have their opinion but the only two people that matter are the ones in the relationship. As long as you’re happy, it doesn’t matter who you’re with or whether someone approves of it or not. I wish more girls had the same outlook on interracial dating.
Love your blog. will subscribe to it. gives me some hope about an interracial relationship that I seem to be entering
I love your website! I am currently in the budding stages of my relationship with an Indian man. I am AA. He is intelligent, considerate, kind. I’m excited to see where things will lead but I will admit that I have asked questions about his family. If they would approve, if they would mind their only son dating an AA woman, etc. He has not only reassured me but has eased my mind and heart on many occasions. I was raised to be well rounded accepting people for who they are not for the color of their skin. I’m proud of that but I’m finding that this new relationship has created questions in my mind, unintentionally. Unfortunately, the questions relate to how others would feel about us. Your website has provided an outlet for me to learn and address those questions when they arise. Thanks!
Hi there,
Can u pass me the link of the post that u were referring in your blog.
Hi there,
will u ‘ PLEASE ‘pass me the link of the post that u were referring in your blog.I would like to read that.
Deepak,
What are you referring to?
I am in a relationship with an Indian man. He has openly told me that his parents would kill him if they found out that he was dating me. I am an African American female. He is so different and takes risks where his other Indian friends do not. Howevever, when I asked him if he was for arranged marriages, he said yes. I guess I know what I need to do here. Now, I am thinking that everything we’ve shared was just him having “American Fun”!
Ashie, I’ll defer to the other members on their opinion of your situation. However, it appears to me that you both need to decide what direction you are going in to determine if it’s something mutually acceptable. If one party is marriage minded and the other is not and is more about having “American Fun” (as you referred to it), that’s a recipe for disaster. I think being on the same accord will help tremendously. If you know what you are going into from the very beginning knowing he may one day be arranged off, and you don’t choose to opt out, that can be a recipe for disaster and many hurt feelings. Often, women allow themselves to get into situations where they think they can change the man’s mind by making them realize what a good woman she is but when he doesn’t adapt as she expects him to, she winds up with a broken heart. I’ve been there and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
My advice is to have the conversation and go from there according to what is best for you. Good luck.
Ashie,
In my opinion men are usually forward about what they want be it with words or actions, but us as women hear what we want to hear. Seems like if you have the notion that he is just having “American Fun”, then apparently your thoughts have been validated by his actions. Life is too short to be strung along by someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart. I encourage you to have a frank, honest discussion with him about his future plans with you, if any, and make your decision from there.
Take Care and Stand Firm Love,
Toni
I am discovering many men of Indian descent appear to be quite attracted to me. One in particular with whom I see marriage. Given their culture, I can’t help wondering what makes these men so attracted to AA women? Is it because we are taboo or what?
I have read ur blog, it was referred to me by my mother. I am AA and my husband is gujarti and we have a beautiful 9 week old daughter. His family wanted him to move back to India once they found out I was pregnant and we weren’t yet married. They kept trying to convince me to get an abortion. His grandfather even wanted to drown her after she was born. So I completely distanced myself from them. They only wanted him to see her once a month. Now that we are married and happy they only call to bother us. They want nothing to do with me or the baby. The relationship that he has with is family isnt the best. They never say they love or miss him its all about money to them. When he is doing good they say it is not enough and when he is doing bad the talk bad about him. I have asked that we change our numbers and loose contact with them but no matter how bad they treat him or make him feel i dnt think he can do that.
Misfit, reading your post broke my heart. I know this has got to be an incredibly difficult situation for both you and your husband. He’s torn between his own flesh and blood on both sides. Send me a PM. I have a couple of women who have gone through (and are going through) similar situations and I’d like to put you in touch with them. You need all the support you can get right now.
@Misfit-I am so sorry for what you have to go through. It sounds like your husband’s family are very spiteful people with a lot of control issues. I would encourage you to encourage your husband to set up boundaries with his family. If they call they must be respectful to you his wife and the child both of you share. The harassment must cease and desist!!! If there is anything good about them… remember that if it were not for your in-laws, your husband would not exist. Try to view them with pity for the hatred they have will only consume them. Unfortunately we do not get to pick our parents.
Hug
It makes me sad to hear about this. Hopefully the family will come around; seeing as they are driving a wedge between themselves and your husband. I would be cautious with any future dealings with them if I were you; especially since they wanted to harm your innocent child. My heart goes out to you and your family. Congratulations on your new arrival.
Toni
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully things have gotten better since this post. My family has also done hurtful things to me over the years for not being desi enough. However, they are my family and I will always love them. I wouldn’t like it if my husband told me not to have any contact with them because his family has also been hurtful to me and I wouldn’t ask him to cut the ties- that has to be HIS decision. You don’t want to be the bad guy by drawing a wedge between him and his family. Let him come to this conclusion on his own rather than telling him what to do. On the other hand, things might change over time and they may grow to love you and their granddaughter. I know it’s hard to hear but time changes a lot of things. Best of luck.
Well, I broke it off with him!! This was the test….his sister just came to the U.S. from India. She will be here for a month. Last weekend he flew to where she is to visit with her. He hadn’t seen her in 3 years. This upcoming weekend she plans on flying here to visit him. I asked the question I alrwdy knew the answer to…I asked when what day during the weekend would I get to meet his sister. First came the silence then it was…”if you meet my sister, she will tell my parents!”. That was the answer I was looking for. I told him that I cannot subject myself to this. It is what it is. No matter how he tells me cares or no matter how sincere it feels, I know I can’t compete with the fact that he would not choose me over the wishes of his parents. As hard as it was, I think breaking it off was the best thing I could do! Heart ache now is better than heart ache later! He’s been texting, calling, and emailing me but there is nothing that he can tell me. I want more and I know he can’t give it to me. I don’t want to hear his reasoning about him not wanting to disrespect his parents. So have I not been disrespected? If he would have disclosed his beliefs in regards to his parents from jump, then it would have been up to me to decide if that’s what I wanted to deal with!!!
And to think, he has the nerve to tell me that I’m not being fair and that I’m hurting him???!!! Huh?
Kudos to you for making such a tough decision. I agree witih you that a little heartache now is better than big heartache later. Many women fail to take signs like yours seriously and think that perhaps they can change the man later. When this doesn’t happen, they wind up devastated. I’m sorry to hear this happened to you but again, at least you are in tune with your needs and desires enough to make the decision that would save you big hassles later.
That is sad how so much hatred can impair the thoughts of people. I will never get why people can have that much animosity towards their flesh and blood or to humanity .While I’m for forgiveness and weighing things out, I would NEVER let them folks near my child/children , nor would I want to be in the same room with them by myself.Presently, your husband ‘s folks doesn’t want to see you all. That is something that he will slowly have to contend with. For the time being, I hope that he will focus on the family that cares about him—the one that he has with you and the joy that will come from that. It’s your family gain and their loss.
Hi,
You have been rather quite. Have a Merry Christmas.
I think that one thing that was not discussed is the differing expectations.
while I don’t always agree with “arranged marriages,” I think that the people who enter them have a more realistic view of what to expect. they don’t expect “love” at first. They know that it is going to be challenging and (maybe because of their families, or maybe because of something else) they are commited to make it work. i don’t know why this is so.
But, when people make a love marriage it seems to be so thoroughly based on one’s individual emotions that they are shocked when there is turbulence. Also, if one can “love,” the notion is that they can also “fall out of love,” or “love someone else.” Since the choice to marry is yours, then, when it gets difficult, you can also choose to opt out.
I can’t determine or compare states of happiness. But, i do think that if you believe that you are bound to this person for life and (you have no choice to divorce) then, you are more likely to work things out. if you always know that divorce is an option, then, you are willing to take that choice. And, since a love marriage is built on “one’s choice,” then so is a divorce.
DH’s parents would say that they are perfectly happy with their arranged marriage. no one can dispute their feelings. But, love marriages can yield happiness also.
I think that it is worth noting that if you have an unhappy arranged marriage, you can always blamd your parents, but you have yourself to blame (or your spouse) when the love marriage does not work out.
and, i think that we need to make a distinction.
There are ‘arranged marriages’
where the parent chooses and the person has no say.
But, increasingly, the two do have some type of “getting acquainted” before the marriage and both men and women do have a say (be it small or large) in their marriage partner.
DH does have two friends where the males have “let” their mothers pick their brides. they have searched and did not find a woman that they liked, so they gave their parents permission to pick and they would agree.
But, even in this case, the men are giving their decision making power away.
There is lots to be said on this subject.
i hope that you keep writing!
i have not heard anything from you in a while.
Jan,
So what if love marriage ends up being a mistake and doesn’t last? Sometimes people change and grow apart. I think naturally we all resist change but is it not a normal part of life? We all make mistakes but that’s just called being human. Don’t get me wrong, I take marriage very seriously. However, not everything in life can be planned. Some decisions may seem like a good idea in your 20s but may not be later in life when your personality changes. We are all constantly changing and growing. My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years and have survived many good and bad personality changes together. We were fortunate enough to have grown together rather than apart. If I had let my parents arrange my marriage, not sure that person would’ve grown with me through different stages of life. I’m pretty sure we would’ve stayed married out of obligation rather than choice.
Choice is not a bad thing. Being able to “choose” something, whether it be marriage or divorce, is actually quite liberating. I would much rather be divorced by choice than to be married by obligation- that’s just me.
Ultimately, I do belief that every individual should be responsible for making this very personal decision by themselves. Parents can do their best with arranging marriages but they can’t predict the challenges the couple will face together or individually. Needless to say that arranged marriage puts a lot of pressure to stay married even when you’re not happy with the relationship.
Please read my article, What’s wrong with Arranged Marriage, if you want to know more about my take on it.
http://desigirlincharge.com/whats-wrong-with-arranged-marriage-
I am half Indian (Asian) and half Black!
Can we cross blog? I LOVE what you write! Maybe I can feature you on my diversity blog?
best
Shamine! Sure, that would be cool.
This is the first time I am visiting your blog and I must say you have got a regular visitor now.
Even I have some Indian friends of mine who turn towards their home land for arranged marriages when it comes to getting married. And the more interesting thing is that matrimonial websites are so popular among Indians living abroad to find that right partner.
There is an interesting documentary called Not a Chance accompanying a blog dedicated to this issue.
i have not seen that documentary, but i know that there are others from the BBC that talk about using the internet to find a mate for a kind of semi-arranged marriage.
Sometimes “arranged marriages” get a bad wrap because they imply that the bride&groom don’t get a say in the selection of their mate. But, more and more, they are getting a say — a kind of “yes or no.”
It becomes harmful when parental wishes should be respected more than the individual wishes of the bride/or/groom.
I love your blog and all of your posts! Please update us! I have written on here before and shared some of my story. But to refresh, I have been in a relationship with an Indian man for almost two years now. I am AA. We went through the family quarrels and them attempting to tear us apart (they succeeded at one point). We had to cut each other off and were to never ever speak again or see each other again! But he could not stand to be away from me so he ended up coming back into my life despite what their mean efforts. I have a wonderful story to share about something that happened to us today in church. We were sitting in church and a couple walked in with their sons and D drew my attention to them and said look theres an indian woman. Well I had heard about a guy that is a member of the church that married an indian woman but I never saw it and never remembered them when I was coming up. They came today and I was asking about them and I know the guys dad very well…hes a sweetheart. But we were all introduced after church and they agreed to take pictures with us and they were asking us questions and open to our questions as well. But the title of the sermon was whats your story? And in a nutshell he was talking about people having stories just like Jesus and sometimes people’s stories are a burden for themselves but can be something wonderful for someone else if they release their story and share it with someone else. They shared their story with us after church and passed on experiences and advice and it was a beautiful thing because never in a million years did I ever think that I would actually see an indian and black married and with kids! Theyve been married almost 20 years and are very happy together. They gave us words of encouragement and said that they will keep in touch with us. I really couldnt believe it. I had been praying for a sign from God and then I just stopped praying and put it behind me and said i prayed and prayed so I will leave it alone. And the minute it was out of my mind and I least expected it this happened today. Me and D havent been to church in a while and neither had the other couple. They havent visited in years and today was the day that they came. Im very thankful for that…but I really think that God was telling me that me and D that we should hold on and that all things that the heart desires really are possible if you have faith. Today somewhat marked a great day in history for us because it was our first time witnessing something like this in my home town and I am truly blessed to have been able to witness this! Keep the blogs coming! =)
I am an Indian female and dating a half black/white guy. We have been living together for 3 1/2 years and dating for 4. All the cousins and siblings know about him but the adults do not. I have to agree… living a secret life sucks! you constantly have to lie about who your with, when, where, how and so on. Indian parents even question you no matter your age! (ex: im 27)
When trying to make an attempt to talk to my mom about it I get the old “ITS OK TO BE FRIENDS, BUT NOTHING MORE” SO ANNOYING!
my boyfriend and I are committed to each other and both attend law school! How can I get my family to approve of him!
Most traditional parents are about status and pedigree, they want to know that he will be a good provider for you and whatever children might come along. Show them that he respects you, your traditions and culture. I know it sounds like a pain but put their minds to rest and give them something to brag on, all traditional parents love that in every race. You’re their baby and they’re going to worry about you, its natural.
Hello. My name is Asia! I am African America & currently dating an Indian man from Punjab… & like plenty of others it is very difficult to maintain a relationship because of the differences in our culture. His family has not even met me & they already hate me. All of his friends & even his boss at work, who is from Bangladesh doesn’t approve of us being together. My mom & sister does not want me to be with him either because i am a christian & he is Sikh.Although they don’t approve they don’t treat him any different & always invite him to family events. He is struggling with our relationship because he has so many people telling him; to leave me alone, i’m no good for him, he deserves better, etc…. Even though none of these people that talk so badly about me has met me. or even know what i look like. I am a great educated woman & i love this man. I know he loves me too. I have never been in such a great relationship. He is about done with trying to be with me and please everyone else. That’s his personality; he is a people pleaser. He wants to break up because he can’t deal with the every day ridicule. I have tried everything in my power to change his mind, but it hurts SO much to see him in this much pain. Torn between happiness with me & having peace with the people around him. I have been telling him we will make it, everything will be okay, there are PLENTY of couple like us that have made it & are very happy but it isn’t helping. You have no idea how delighted i am to see that you have made yourself a family as a interracial couple. I just wish he could see how great things could be, and don’t let other people dictate his future. DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME?
Hi Asia! I am also an AA female in an IR with an Indian. He is Gujarati. I understand completely how you feel! We went through the exact same things and many occasions he was ready and willing to give up bc he too is a people pleaser. We have been together a little over 2 years and the majority of the time it was extremely difficult. He actually ended up cutting me off bc his family made him. The only advice that I have from personal experience is to pray and remind him of the beautiful person you are and he is. Remind him of the beauty in your relationship and give each other the faith and encouragement you both need. I am a testimony that things can get better and peoples negative perceptions can be changed. I had to prove myself to his family and show them that I was not the horrible person they thought I was. Be there and be cordial with a smile on your face even when u don’t want to smile. Sometimes it takes doing and showing true strength to change how ppl feel about u and how they view you. It wasn’t easy for us, but true love is worth pursuing. I never received apologies from any of his family, but after a long hard road, we are now newly engaged. His mother and I have an awesome relationship and his family is happy for us and approves. I wish the best for the both of you. I know that it is hard and some days can be earth shattering but the reward is magnificent. No one can come between true love, and both of you should remember this. If he needs time, maybe you should allow it. That is what I had to do for my then boyfriend, now fiance. Sometimes it takes giving someone time to miss you and experience life without you to realize that after true love, life is never ever the same again.
If he doesn’t appreciate you then you don’t need him sweety, there are plenty of men out there that do want you for you regardless of race. Maybe he needs to be reminded of what a gem he is about to lose….for some reason men seem to want you if other people take an interest.
@ lily
Don’t listen to her feminist bulshit. If u think, compatibility and then love between u & ur partner are great then u have a reason to go after him . Don’t let ego (either yours or ego communicated by others) come in ur relationship. How is going after the person u love to make him realize this is great(Relationship) makes me look bad .I always appreciated their(feminist) concern but not the way they want to achieve.so don’t be one , just go for it. Good luck
Hello Ladies, Thank you so much for your replies. I really appreciate it. Me and my SO has worked somewhat through our troubles, and he decided to try for the sake of our love. So i am trying my best to help keep his faith high not knowing when he will give up again. The day his parents decide to meet me i’ll be sure to keep everything you said in mind. Congrats on your engagement Amber! You really are a testimony & make things so much easier for other IR. Thank You!
Thank you, Asia! I really hope that everything works out for the both of you, and eventually his family as well. I know how devastating and frustrating it can be sometimes. I have learned that faith can take you a mighty long way…faith in God and faith in each other! At some point he will have to realize that pleasing everyone else may not always be the right decision. You CANT always please everyone. If he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, YOUR happiness and HIS happiness should come first. My fiance gave up countless times, and even after he chose me over his family and moved in, he chose them and ended up moving out 4 days later with no contact at all! You have support from me and others on this website! Without this website, I wouldn’t have made it through some days. It is wonderful to know that support is here! Just remember that even when times get darker than you can imagine, there is always light to be shown to guide you through. It is up to IR couples to break the mold and the shed light on the ignorance of society. When one of us makes it, we all make it because one couple can make so much difference in opening the hearts and minds of those who are so against IR relationships. Find your strength and don’t let it go! Hope this helps! Again, good luck! =) Keep us posted!
Hey Amber, Things aren’t working out. I thought they were but once again i was wrong. My SO has broken up with me. Without any heads up goodbye, nothing. He won’t answer my calls or messages. He has broken up with me & asked me to take him back 4 times in the last 2 weeks & frankly i am exhausted. I don’t know what to do. I love him yet i am starting to become angry with him. I don’t think i can ever trust to take him back if it ever came down to it. I really thought we would work. I believed we would work & thought he did too. How do i handle this? I have prayed about this & feel like i am stuck at a standstill. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this because no one understands how it feels to be in this kind of predicament, except the ppl on this website, Thanks for your suppport. Please respond.
yes i an married to a man frompunjab we were maeerid for 7 years but he got deported i know he still loves me we call almost every day and he is in a arrange marraige i am going to keep holding on to him becouse i kmow he still loves so you keep holding on if he really love you he will leave those so called friends alone cgrewal
All i can say, is this people are players. shit!!! playing with people’s feelings. Im a young African gril in love with an india guys from India. Its hurts, the next minute we are so in love we talk alomost all day long. The following day he is so out of tune. shit we are also human being with true feelings. if it doesnt work out just leave him. it hurts i have since discussed to leave my life and get over him.
But when i do that he will be send me lovely msg’s. anyway thanks for such a website were we can open up and share our joy and sadness.
NB: Correction, Not guys but a guy.