A Journey In Black and Indian Love

A Peek inside the marriage of an African American woman and her East Indian spouse

July 4, 2009

I came across this post as I was purusing through blogs that other day. Hello Ji is Hello sir in Hindi. If you’re interested in finding out more about the Indian culture and an Indian’s perspective on various issues, this is an interesting place to start. 

I’m interested in your comments and thoughts after reading this particular blog post.

http://helloji.wordpress.com/2008/04/03/missing-daughters-of-india/#more-263

 

Until the next blog, Happy Independence Day everyone

 

MMMM.. The smell of a Curry Filled Home. June 26, 2009

Yesterday I mentioned I had prepared South Indian Shimp Curry for dinner on Father’s Day. M loves seafood (me not so much). I also made salmon croquettes and of course some rice for the curry.

I cook curry often but today was the first time trying the South Indian type curry. I must say it turned out pretty good.  I used curry powder, tumeric, coconut milk, chili powder, tomatoes and a few other items that escape me at this point.

I try to always blend our cultures even in the kitchen. This is a wonderful way to expose the kids to things they would otherwise turn away from. They love trying new dishes when I prepare them. Often I have them help me so that they can learn the fundamentals of cooking. I learned the same way at my grandmother’s knee and my kids love it. 

I’ve posted up a youtube video of an Indian cooking show. The clip is for one of my favorite dishes, dal makni.  I love it with tandoori chicken and parantha. Hopefully seeing it will inspire some of you to experiment in your kitchen.  Until the next blog.

 

A Much Needed Mini Vacation June 8, 2009

Hi Everyone!

I’m finally back to reality after combining a business trip with a much needed getaway. We just got back from Atlanta…took the kids to the zoo and to the Fernbank Museum of Natural History. I love Atl but driving there is nervewrecking, not just because of the other driver, but because of how confusing it can get. With the exception if two places, we got lost everywhere we went. LOL. 

M seemed to be at ease because everywhere we went, we saw other Indians. Where we live it’s a rare sighting. He was shocked at how many other Indians he saw. What was so great is how many other interracial couples we saw. It seemed that everyday we saw at least three or four other IR couples. It’s a great sign about the direction of things. Until the next blog!

 

Long Time No See June 1, 2009

I can’t believe it has been so long since I’ve had the opportunity to write on the blog. I appreciate all of the comments and the outreach from people who like the blog.

This past Memorial day, M and the kids and I went camping with several other members of my family. Overall, the weekend was okay except for one major glitch. My youngest aunt called M, Osama as he was walking out of the RV thinking it would be a cute joke.  Thankfully, M said he never heard her. However, other family members did and laughed. I immediately put her in check and told her the remark was extremely tacky. I also asked her how she would feel if someone from his family called her a derogatory name.  She didn’t say anything but I got my point across very very clearly to her and the family members who laughed. I am thankful that M has such a cool personality. He takes everything in stride and never holds a grudge.  I did notice that M and my mother had more camaraderie. Thankfully, despite the sporadic ignorance on the part of my family, he said he had a good time.

In more happy news, we booked our family vacation to Walt Disney later in the year. It’s going to be a busy year of travel because we just recently signed for some commercial property for our business and we have to take a trip to China and we’re thinking of combining it with the one to India. I think the kids are more excited about Disney than anything else. Here’s a tip for all of you who have been thinking about going to Disney some day.. Now is the time! Disney has some unbelievable package deals right now.

I don’t know if I mentioned this before but M is by trade a mechanical engineer with a concentration in automobiles. He was working as a process engineer when he was laid off a few months ago. Thank God we were preparing for something of this nature. It’s been months now and M complains daily about how nothing is panning out for him because of this economy.  Thankfully, we were preparing for something of this nature. We’re hoping the opening of a brick and mortar wholesale business will be successful. In the meantime, I try to keep M’s spirits up. Not having a job is emasculating for him and I try to make sure he knows that I understand and I don’t hold anything against him. As far as me and my kids are concerned, he is still the head of this household. That being said, M now feels that because he’s not working he cannot take part of major money decisions. We have to go back and forth three or four times before he will finally make a decision on an issue related to money. It’s frustrating.  I want him to remember that no matter what happens, he’s still the husband and father. That doesn’t change because of job status.

We live in an area that isn’t as open to racial diversity as it claims to be. I think being Indian is making M’s job search a little more difficult. The way I see it, is that those people who won’t hire him because of how he sounds or because he’s from a different culture are the ones missing out and if someone doesn’t want you for asinine reasons, it’s not the place for you anyway. I’d much rather work in an environment where people respect differences.

Sorry it took so long to post a new blog… more to come so until the next blog…

Blindian

 

Finally!! A guest post from Hubby May 17, 2009

 

After threats to withhold his favorite wings and fries, a few emotional blackmail attempts and a few stares, I finally got hubby to write a guest post. What follows is what my act of convincing produced.  It’s his random thought process about interracial marriages:

Inter-racial marriage/Dating………
Why is there a big talk about inter-racial marriage and Indians?Does anyone really know what type of racial divide we have in India? It’s not the color of your skin. It’s the religion and the caste.Now you might think it is only in hindu community that caste and religion matter so much but .it is not. It is wide in the Christian and the muslim community too.
You can be dark skinned and still be from the higher caste. You can be fair and be from the lower community. End of the day, it is your religion and caste and you are expected to stand by it. Now in India you’d even face problems when you generally date or marry for the same religion but a different caste.
 Marriage in the Indian community is essentially between families not just the two people. Marriages are generally arranged. Even when it is a love marriage within the same religion its still mostly arranged.  Family elders meet and get to know of one another and then proceed.  Now normally anyone would say it is a love marriage but unfortunately it is  still arranged.
Now about dowry.  Does anyone know really what that means.It is life time maintenance money to the husband to look after their daughter.
Fortunately I was born into a progressive thinking family who did think marriage is between 2 people not the family.  Basically I never had problems with my decision. I belong to a higher caste and I am proud of it. But i was never taught in my home that there are two types of segregation in human society. I had friends from all strata of the society. I am a Hindu who eats beef,–but that does not mean my family eats it. I was schooled in a catholic convent. I am happy with whom I am married to.
I dont think marrying from another culture like me would be a norm with all the Indians you all come across.Every area in India has their own do’s and dont’s. If you know what to look for then maybe you can find someone to treasure. It’s actually a complicated situation.
As far as someone who wants to go ahead with this sort of releationship, let me tell you that there are some areas and communities that are more tolerant and understanding than some others. Best of luck for all who’s still searching.
  
 

Breaking the Ice with Mom in law May 13, 2009

Sorry I’ve been delayed with the latest blog post. I spent the weekend working in the backyard and preparing our first mini garden.  The kids are excited about the possibilities of the fruits of their labor.

M and the kids treated me to a really nice mother’s day. I got breakfast in bed with orange cranberry muffins, bacon and fruit. I also got cards, flowers and the opportunity to sleep in, which if you are a parent, you know is an absolutely priceless gift. I didn’t get a chance to see my own mother even though we live less than two miles away from one another. She was out doing her own thing. We did take her gift to her on Saturday. We’re up to a record number of words between she and M. I think they passed around 15 words instead of their usual five.

I don’t think M and my mother will ever have the kind of relationship that she and my ex had and still have. I understand they are two totally different men but the chemistry is definitely far more different than I feel it should be.

M is always on edge around my mother. I think that comes from his knowledge of her previous disapproval of our relationship. Their conversation never goes beyond Hello how are you. This bothers me because there is no extension on either of their parts to get to know the other better.  I know that she no longer dislikes M. She knows that he is a good dad and that he’s good to me.

I do think my mother is more interested than she pretends to be. I’ve heard her mention a few things that indicated she’s been doing research on the culture. Initially she thought M was going make me wear an abaya and bow to him and all of his requests. LOL.. Brahahahaha she doesn’t know her daughter very well.

I’ve invited my mother to come to India with us in December but she is basically refusing. It is my dream that my family and M’s can one day break bread together. Right now the dream seems so far off.

On other brief updates. I’ve finally decided what I’m doing for my 35th. I’m having a friends and family weekend in Gatlinburg. Laughter, fun, games, river rafting, shopping and bbqing are all on tap. Given some things going on right now I felt the need to be surrounded by those I love the most.  I’m looking forward to a new year.

Until the next blog….

 

A Fresh Blog Post. Hot Off the Presses. May 3, 2009

I’m finally back with a fresh blog post. The week has been very very busy and I had not found the time to write. Hubby has been promising to guest write for me but so far that hasn’t happened. Every time I ask him about it, he says he’s still thinking about what he is going to write about. Let’s all collectively roll eyes on that.

After three years of trying to get M realize that not everyone in any one race is the same, twice this week when I was telling him about a negative situation that happened (one involving a check from a customer for our business), he automatically asked “was it a black person?”  His question gave me pause and made me ask him why he automatically assumed it was a black person that was involved in something negative. He didn’t have an answer for me, other than to say “I was just curious.”

Now mind you, M and I have had many discussions about why crime rates may be higher in some areas than others or why there are so many black on black murders etc. We’ve talked about the socioeconomic connections and educational factors that contribute to downtrodden. But somehow, I don’t think he’s grasped it all. Even now after all of this time being here in the states, he hasn’t connected with many other blacks apart from my family (or Indians either for that matter…come to think about it.. he hasn’t connected with anyone).  He needs to be able to experience people of all races from all walks of life so that he can see that there’s not just one type of person in any ethnic group. I really want him to get to a point where he recognizes that crime has no face and no racial group is immune from being the victim of a crime or committing one.

Shifting the topic to one more positive, on Friday the kids had their Spring Fling. I was so excited because I saw more mixed couples there than I had seen in the entire city we live in. Other than M and myself, there were at least four other couples I saw that night and they were all openly engaged with one another and small amounts of PDA.  It shows the grand old south where we live is changing its guard a bit. I like that.

Okay guys, I’m going to keep this one short. I’m a bit under the weather and my bed is calling me for a nap. Until the next blog. …

 

Oh by the way.. some comments I haven’t yet gotten a chance to respond to  yet but I will later this evening.

 

Blogging Time April 29, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Alisa @ 4:16 am

Time has been short over the last few days but I’ll pick back up tomorrow hopefully. One of the things I’ll definitely be writing about is how stereotypes even creep up in mixed relationships. It’s times like those that require an extra dose of patience. 

I do hope all is well. I’d like to hear from all of you about what you want to see on the blog. It helps me know what subjects interest you.

Be well my dear sweet readers.

Blindian…until the next blog

 

Dealing With Exes April 25, 2009

 

M and I have been blessed that the aspects of our relationship which could have been an issue for us have worked out. Much of this is due in part to how we chose to handle things that others would see as obstacles. For example, my race and my having been divorced with children could have been a hurdle that had the potential to destroy our relationship considering the social implications for M. However, we chose to deal with issues head on.

 

 

Let me digress momentarily and use this opportunity to say I don’t know why so many Indian men lie about the relationships they are having with non Indian or outer caste or religion women. By lying they are only causing a great deal of hurt for the women who are falling in love with them. I think it’s childish and reeks of selfishness. To knowingly become involved with someone knowing your future holds an arranged marriage is asinine behavior. I hate to hear of women going through relationships that are built on a lie or limited information. Ladies if you are involved with someone and you find that you know very limited information about them perhaps you should ask yourself why. If their family doesn’t know about you and you’ve been together for a significant amount of time ask yourself why. (Blindian’s stepping down off of her soapbox now). Sorry folks but this subject really gets my blood pressure up.

Anyway, as I was saying, we chose to deal with issues head on. One of those issues dealt with my children. When M and I married, they were five years old. My ex husband originally wasn’t too keen on my packing up his children and taking them half way across the world to a country he knew nothing about. One of the things M did without my knowing he would do it was talk to my ex, P, man to man. M told him that he wasn’t trying to replace him as a father and that he was going to do everything he could to ensure our safety and happiness. M also told P that anytime he had questions about what was going on he was welcome to call him.

At first, P, wasn’t very receptive to M’s talk with him. He wasn’t ready for me to move on and was still having a difficult time with being divorced even though it was two years after the fact. We had spent nearly 10 years together in a marriage that I think we both were shocked to find disintegrate due to a variety of reasons. I had to sit P down and tell him that he needed to realize that most men wouldn’t have talked with him man to man like that. They would have basically gone about being with me without regard to him. Once he thought about what I said, he realized that M wanted nothing but to get along and for the kids to realize they were loved by everyone.  P and I had an amicable divorce and we agreed early on that our jobs were to show the children how to have a healthy functional relationship even if we were not together. We don’t believe in the back and forth drama that some divorced couples have. It serves absolutely no purpose when you are trying to raise healthy well balanced children. That’s not to say we don’t have our disagreements, we do but even though we are divorced, P still wants to see me happy.

My sister calls me, P and M Demi, Bruce and Ashton because we all get along so well. M and P get along quite well. We all still occasionally have dinner together and will sometimes catch a movie. The kids know that P and I won’t be getting back together but they love the fact that they two dads and three grandmothers.

It’s not easy but at the end of the day we realize that our common goal are the kids..who have their first piano recital tomorrow so I’ll wrap this up.. until the next blog.

 

The Real Reason Some People Are Against Interracial Relationships April 22, 2009

I recently made a post titled “Can’t We All Just Get Along?” The post got the attention of Tom, a white male married to an Asian woman. I was excited because Tom was not only my first male poster, but he also brought a fresh perspective to IR’s.

Today Tom made this comment “I know the people who say stick to your own kind are probably only stating it because they feel it will protect you from being hurt or rejected.”
 
Or… they say “stick to your own kind” because that is what they have always done; the reason being that they, themselves, are either too frightened or small-minded to venture out into the wider world.
 
People often subconsciously transfer their own fears and stigma onto others.”
 
 (the rest of his comment can be read in the original blog ).

When I read Tom’s words, it was like a light bulb went on. He worded my thoughts so accurately. Tom is very correct about how people subconsciously transfer their own fears and stigma onto others and how fear keeps people from venturing out. It’s like a social mania.

 Unfortunately, society has screwed so many of us up. We seek validation and approval from others without realizing how detrimental it can be to us. It’s like we’re puppets in a puppet show being run by the man behind the curtain. How many times have we done something in our lives, not because we wanted to but because we didn’t want to face the retribution or harsh reaction from others if we went against the norm?  This is why some people react so harshly to intercultural and interracial relationships.  It goes against what others have told them should happen and THAT makes them uncomfortable.

Black women have so much baggage laid upon us about dating outside the race. The way some people act, you would think we were committing cultural genocide. I honestly think that some Indians feel the same way…that their sons or daughters being involved with someone of a different religion, caste or creed somehow dilutes their heritage.  They don’t look at it as a new dimension or facet being added.

M and I are thinking about having a baby. We talk about it at least twice a week. M has no blood children and I am thankful he loves my twins as his own. I hesitate to have another child because 1) my twins are 8 now and going back to having an infant I feel would be difficult 2) my twins are a result of fertility drug treatments and even though they have been great kids, I am fearful of having another set of twins and 3) we travel a great deal and traveling with an infant is a whole new ballgame. I know these are probably selfish issues but I brought this subject up to say this.  If we do decide to have a child, we know we will raise it to embrace both sides of their culture. There’s no one culture superior to the other (contrary to many twisted beliefs).

Tom’s comment made me realize that some people hide their racism behind the cloak of “love.” But if they really loved you, it wouldn’t matter who you were with and why as long as you are happy and treated with respect.  Until the next blog…