A Journey In Black and Indian Love

I’m constantly scouring the web in search of information on intercultural relationships. I’m always interested in how other couples balance out cultural differences. I came across the above YouTube video on one of these quests. To say I am apalled at some of the things I heard on the video is putting it mildly. While I’m glad to hear the candidness of the interviewees, it doesn’t take away my surprise at how some people view African American women who date outside of their race.

In my never ending quest for information, I also came across www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com  The website is packed full of inspiring stories for women dating outside of their culture.

While I was reading through the posts, something I read hit home. The author was talking about the importance of black women not being afraid to step outside of their race to date. I knew this was a problem but until I read her words, it just didn’t click how some women may struggle with this decision.  My grandmother always raised me to see the best in a person and to be open to dating and marrying anyone as long as they treated me with respect. I’ve taken this advice with me through my life and have dated everyone from a Pakistani to a Saudi as well as a Hispanic guy and of course Indian. I’ve never struggled with my decision to date outside of my own culture so I just assumed the problem was isolated. Apparently it isn’t.

It saddens me to think that many women won’t date someone because they are from another culture. I know that often we are raised to “stick with our own kind” but think about how many opportunities at true love could be missed out on just because someone’s heart is closed to someone who doesn’t look like them.

I know the people who say stick to your own kind are probably only stating it because they feel it will protect you from being hurt or rejected. However, if this is the only reason why you are choosing not to be open to other experiences (i.e. people) then perhaps you should rethink why your happiness is so connected to the opinions of other people.

I once had a co-worker tell me I was going to hell because the Bible specifically talks about how dating or marrying outside of your own. I pulled my Bible from my desk drawer and asked him what scripture I could find that in. He fumbled around and finally made an excuse to leave the room. To this day, I’m still waiting for him to tell me where he got his information from.  People will tell you all kinds of crap if they think it will help them get their propaganda across.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the whole argument by some people that we’re “selling out” or not supporting our black men the way we should. However, that argument in my opinion does not have legs to stand on.  I could go on and on about statistics of how many black men date outside of their race versus the number of black women who do the same. I could also go on and on about how women traditionally are the ones who stand by their partner unwavering and longer in times of hardship but I won’t.  At the end of the day, they are all generalizations and not everyone fits into that one neat statistical box.

The point of all of this is that people should be free to love who they want despite the differences that others may see as obstacles. If you’re interested in dating outside of your race and you haven’t, ask yourself why. Is it due to fear of the unknown or is it due to lack of opportunity. Is it because all of your life it’s been hammered into you that you shouldn’t date anyone that doesn’t look like you?  Whatever the reason ask yourself are you happy with not exploring other options available to you.  Until the next blog…

Today M celebrated his second Easter here in the states. This year was much celebratory than last year for some reason. The kids had an Easter egg hunt yesterday and today family and friends celebrated the resurrection of Christ. I watch M closely at this gathering.

Even though he’s been here for almost two years I find that he is still a bit hesitant around my family, my mother specifically.  Watching the two of them is like watching two birds doing a delicate dance. My mother swears she still has problems understanding him sometimes even though M’s English is fluent. She’s still trying to feel him out to see if there is a motive behind him marrying her daughter. M on the other hand is simply sitting in the shadows watching. I know this because after every family gathering, he peppers me with questions about what happened and who said what.

Even after two years the conversation between M and my mom usually consists of no more than two or three sentences at a time and they are always the same. This, even as she says he’s her favorite son-in-law and how good he is with the kids.  

I think we will always be this way with each of our families. When I’m around M’s family I always struggle to find something to talk about other than the weather or everyone’s health.  I sometimes dream of the camaraderie that both families could have if everyone was open to learning about the other’s culture. I’m trying to convince my family to go to India with us later this year so that both families can meet and begin to embrace one another’s lifestyles. So far, I’m being met with resistance. It’s easier for my family to go there than M’s family to come here.

One of the things that frustrates me about my culture the most is the lack of desire to see and experience the world.  Many African Americans are hesitant about going outside of the country. Often this is connected to fear of the unknown. We’re afraid of violence or constantly worried something bad may happen.  Then there’s the assumption that traveling outside of the country is too expensive to ever be able to afford. I’m by no means wealthy but I’ve seen parts of the world others only see on television and the memories associated with those trips are something I wouldn’t trade for the world.  Now I can’t sit still long without having some type of trip up my sleeve. If I can offer a piece of advice to everyone afraid to travel, it would be to always keep your options open. Take the opportunity to explore the world and its inhabitants around you. It can only serve to help you grow as a person.

Even if my family does not decide to travel with us later this year, I still hope that we can get the two families together soon to celebrate in one big reception. Until then M and I are like the mainland to two very different islands.  

I’d like to know more about you my readers…where have you traveled to or where would you like to travel to if you could go anywhere in the world with no costs?  How did you find the blog?  M and I are hoping to hear from you soon.  Until the next blog….

Joined together by love

I wish we’d meet again in another lifetime when things will not be as complicated as they are right now. I wish when you tell me that you love me, sadness would not fill me up. It’s a painful pleasure to see you every time. As much as my heart yearns for you, I die a little bit more each day knowing you are what you are to me, someone I can never have. But I do, I love you. I mean it more than you do.                                                                                                                                           -Anonymous

I found this poem the other day and I thought of all of those intercultural Indian relationships that may be hindered due to race. Loving someone is hard enough without the added stressors that being in an intercultural relationship brings. You have to learn to love hard and to love long. I’ll take a page out of my own personal life to share what I mean.

One of the things I’ve noticed about many Indians is their ability to take any kind of negative situation and brush it off as though it were nothing. It’s like a perpetual positive attitude. Sometimes this comes across as uncaring and crass. However, in talking to other people who are involved in mixed Indian relationships, this appears pretty common to them as well.

I’ll give you an example. I’m a broadcast journalist and I recently learned that two of my stories picked up some pretty nice (and if I may brag on myself for one brief moment-Prestigious) awards. One was an Associated Press award for best commentary and the other is an Edward R Murrow Regional Award for best series. This was big for me because I was competing against stories from 200 other stations in four states. When I told M today about the Murrow award, I may as well have told him I was going to the store to get bread. It would have garnered the same reaction and he swears I never told him about the AP award last week.

When I was recently diagnosed with a serious medical condition, it was the same way until I forced him to sit down and have the “what to do in the event of” conversation. It was only then that he was forced to face the situation. You see, my sweet, lovable flawed M is an avoider. I realized a long time ago that it’s nothing personal with me. He’s always been like this and I doubt he’s going to change anytime soon. Some people just prefer to avoid negative or sad emotions. I know there are things about me he probably feels the same way about.  You see, that’s the beauty of a marriage. If you are honest with yourself, it will always be inherently flawed in some way which makes you appreciate the edges you’ve both worked so hard to smooth even more.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that the best way to succeed in a relationship is to 1) always express myself no matter how much it may hurt either partner. I happen to believe that holding it in is worst because to do so may cause a buildup of hostility later and 2) choose my battles. Some things just aren’t worth wasting breath over. In moments like these, I choose to remember why I’ve hung in here as long as I have and that wipes it all away.

The other lesson I’ve learned (and ladies PLEASE hear this) is that it’s best to keep your relationship business to yourself. I understand the need to vent (trust me I do) but our friends and family who love us dearly sometimes don’t know when they are loving us too hard. In other words, remember that when you are telling your friends or family all of your business, it could come back to bite you. The memories of friends tend to be much longer than ours and they remember every gory detail which they will kindly remind you of whenever they get a chance..especially if they don’t like your guy.

I learned in my last relationship to never tell all of the details because friends, in thinking that they are doing what is best, will bash your man and tell you what you don’t need. When all is said and done and you and your guy have patched things up, you never forget what they said and they won’t forget what you said either. This can create a great deal of tension in the friendship. I’ve been on both ends of this (the giver of the information and the receiver) and I can tell you that it’s no picnic.  When it’s you hearing the friend, you think to yourself ‘is she crazy, why is she still with that fool,’ or ‘this is too much drama for me.’

I remember one friend in particular who kept going back to a physically abusive relationship and each week I had to listen her cry and say no more only to see her go back, just emotionally drained me. So I stopped being the antagonistic friend and began to always put a positive spin on things. For example, I’d remind her to do a list of pros and cons or ask her what she felt she needed to do to make herself feel better. Never would I say anything about the guy or their specific problem. I kept it focused on her.  Is this always easy? Hell no- Especially when you have a friend who has a fool for a man. However, if you love your friend as much as you say you do, then ride it out with her. That’s what I did and eventually she left him. Later she thanked me for not bashing him (apparently she forgot about all the times I did).  Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t speak your opinion honestly IF she asks. What I am saying is be careful of your phraseology when you do.

Our mouths are the most powerful weapon we carry. Our words have the ability to heal, hurt, encourage or discourage and those words can tear everything we have apart or build the impossible. So ..when you and your guy have issues going on-talk it out whether he’s listening or not. Until the next blog remember to love long and love hard.